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Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won't suds up.

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April Fools' Jokes

Q: What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
A: CSI

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A programmer had a problem.
He decided to use Java.
He now has a ProblemFactory.

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Q: 0 is false and 1 is true, right?
A: 1.

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A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

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What do you call a Scottish iPhone?
An AyePhone.

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Chuck Norris once won a Scrabble tournament despite getting only Z's and Q's in his rack.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues.
What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!

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Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

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One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sеx with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry.
She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you.
Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room.
The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son!
How old are you 12? 13?
How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son.
Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My аss is still sore!"

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Steve rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.
Men and women stood 3 deep at the bar.
Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a bathroom.
He saw a stairway and race up the steps to the second floor in his desperate search.
Just as his воwеls threatened to erupt, he spotted a one foot by one foot hole in the floor.
Now, at the end of us control, he decided to take advantage of the hole.
He dropped his pants, hunched over the hole, and did his thing.
Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which was crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty.
"Hey!"
He yelled to the empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the роор hit the fаn?"

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Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game.
"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It’s much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

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Yo mama is so sтuрid, I said it was going to be chili out and she grabbed a bowl and a spoon.

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Yo Momma Jokes

When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord.
He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two statisticians go bird hunting.
The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet.
The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet.
They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"

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Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.

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Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

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What do you call 50 lеsвiаns and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do diск!

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When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space.
They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.

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