Latest Jokes

¿Por qué entierras a un ladrón 300 metros bajo tierra? - Porque en el fondo es bueno ¿Por qué a los abogados se les entierra seis metros bajo tierra cuando a las demás personas se le entierra a solo tres? Porque muy en el fondo son buenos. Czemu adwokatów chowają cztery metry pod ziemią? - Bo podobno w głębi to oni są dobrzy. Hvorfor begraver man advokater 20 meter under jorden? - Fordi de, dybt nede, er gode mennesker. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
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A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."
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3 old friends meet each other unexpectedly in Paris. Since they haven't seen each other in decades, they decide to celebrate by going out. They decide that they would go to the Eiffel Tower.
When they arrived, there was a guard there next to a sign that read "if you can drop your watch from the top of the Eiffel Tower, run all the way down the stairs and catch it on the floor, you will win 10 million dollars.
The men decided to try it.
The first one went up, dropped his watch, sprinted all the way down and looked up, but his watch wasn't there, so he looked down and there was his watch, shattered into pieces of gears and parts.
"Impossible," he said to his friends.
The second Man thought that maybe he was too slow, so he went up, dropped his watch, then practically jumped Down the steps, and looked up, but it wasn't there.
He looked down, and the remains of his watch were right next to his friends' watch. "Impossible," he said to the third man.
But the third man tried anyway.
He went up, dropped his watch, then took his time going down, taking 25 minutes to get down the steps.
When he finally went down, he looked at the local clock and waited 5 minutes, then he looked up and caught his watch.
Everyone was shocked, and as the guard was counting up the money, he asked: "how did you do that?"
The man looked at him and replied: "my watch is 30 minutes late."
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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her.
Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied.
“His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”
Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.
“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
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A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road.
He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job.
He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift.
He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road.
Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road.
He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?”
“Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”
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