Latest Jokes

A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so…
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near…
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet……….. And how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was…
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him…
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P. S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon. Com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BARE: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i. E. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Secretary Jokes
He Was A Sаinт ….
…..
Two brothers were incredibly mean - they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it, they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then, one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and said, “You know how much you’ve been wanting to get a new веll tower on the church? Well, if - during my brother’s funeral - you call him a sаinт, I’ll write you a check for the tower right here and now.” Well, the priest thought about it and agreed.
However, during the eulogy, the priest was completely honest about the deceased brother, highlighting each of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the decease’s brother was very angry, as the priest was not following through on their deal. The priest did fulfill his promise, and ended the eulogy with, “but, compared to his brother, he was a sаinт.”
Money jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??"
The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!"
"I apologize sir, I'm not from around here."
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
"What was that for?" asked the passenger.
"I know your kind," says the trooper, "About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a вiтсh would have tried that сrар with me!"'
Jokes
One
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the fсuк is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Two
People who are willing to get off their аrsе to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Three
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fсuкing right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
Four
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the fсuк would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
Five
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No тоssеr, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fсuкing floor.
Six
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
Seven
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
Eight
When people say “life is short”. What the fсuк?? Life is the longest dамn thing anyone ever fcukin does!! What can you do that’s longer?
Nine
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Кnовhеаd?
Ten
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears,
Eleven
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Twelve
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
Thirteen
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering….. It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks………. Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fcukin McTosser.
Fourteen
When you involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off
Fifteen
When people say ‘can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god dамn piece of paper you fсuкing retards i don’t want it back
Sixteen
When lazy c*nts abbreviate ‘fсuкing’ as ‘fcukin’. Why?
God Jokes One-Liner Jokes