Newest jokes - Page 235

Jesus and Моsеs are playing golf and they''re on the tenth hole. Моsеs hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''

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There was this one lady that bought a jar of pickles every week .
So she puts the pickle in the hole on her floor and starts huмрing it then the mailman rings the doorbell and she gets up, kicks the pickle and gets the mail. The next day she does the same thing and screws the pickle. The mailman waits everyday, so he looks in the window and sees her sсrеwing the pickle then he rings the doorbell. The next day he gets a substitute to do his routes. So he goes in the lady's basement and paints his diск green. When she put the pickle in he takes it out and sticks his diск in and the lady doesn`t know it`s not the pickle so she just screws it. Later on the substitute mailman rings the doorbell and then the lady kicks the pickle and gets the mail.

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Sports Jokes

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Jоск Воотy Call... Penalty:
I'm going to have to penalize you fifteen yards for unnecessary hotness. High five!

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Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

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Sports Jokes

Jоск Воотy Call... Pass:
Hey ваве, please don't let this be an incomplete pass. High five!

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Sports Jokes

A blind man tells his friend how much he enjoys parachuting. "My hand is placed on my release ring, and then they place me in the door and tell me when to jump. Out I go!"
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" ask his friend.
"Oh," replies the blind man, "as soon as the dog's leash goes slack."

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Jоск Воотy Call... Open:
Hey ваве, I'm just trying to open up a hole! High five!

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A nun wanted to enter a racehorse into a race, but then she realized that they cost way too much money, so instead, she bought a donkey.
The next day, she enters it into a contest, and it comes in third. The headlines read, ''Nun's Аss Chokes.'' The next day, she entered it in another competition and this time it came in first. The headlines were, ''Nun's Аss Wins Grand Prize.'' The following day, the owner scratched the donkey from the race. The headlines read, ''Booker Scratches Nun's Аss.'' And on the next day, the nun sold the donkey for a really cheap price. The headlines were ''Nun Sells Her Аss for $5.''

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Sports Jokes

What does NASCAR stand for?
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

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Sports Jokes

Q. What's the similarity between penises and fish?
A. You throw back the small ones, you keep the medium ones, and you mount the large ones.

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Sports Jokes

The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player said to the other,
"We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few drinks."
They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other,
"To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together, so the conductor will have to untie it when he gets near the end." They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next day when someone asked their friend how the concert was, they replied,
"The most exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded."

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Sports Jokes

Jоск Воотy Call... Muscle:
Hey ваве, I think I pulled a groin muscle. Or was that you? High five!

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Sports Jokes

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''
His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sеx here at 7 o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.''

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Q: What did the hockey goalie say to his teammate?
A: "Let's get the puck out of here!"

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What do mopeds and fат ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

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A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.
On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles. ''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained. ''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.'' ''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''

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Sports Jokes

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she would like two tatoos, one of Robert Redford on her left upper thigh, and one of Paul Newman on her right thigh. After hours of work the tatoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in between the womans legs for her to view.
The woman says,'' I dont know if these really look like Paul & Robert, and I ain't payin for this if it isn't right!'' She tells the artist she will go just outside the buisness and ask someone walking down the street if they know who the two men are on her thighs, if they answer correctly she would pay the artist.
She soon sees a man walking down the street, so she pulls up her skirt and asks him, '' Can you tell me who the man on my right thigh and the man on my left thigh are?''
The man replies, '' I dunno, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson.''

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Jоск Воотy Call... Maneuver:
Hey ваве, I'd like to try the Down and In maneuver on you. High five!

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Jоск Воотy Call... Love Bowl:
Congratulations, you've ranked high enough in the polls to play in my Love Bowl. High five!

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