Latest Jokes

During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one.
- _ Talking section.
- _ No talking sectionIf talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest.
- _ Stock market.
- _ Sports.
- _ Medicine.
- _ General gossip.
- _ Specific gossip (choose from below.
- _ The rabbi.
- _ The cantor.
- _ The cantor's voice.
- _ The cantor's significant other.
- _ The rabbi�s significant other.
- _ Fashion news.
- _ What others are wearing.
- _ Why they look awful.
- _ My neighbors.
- _ My relatives.
- _ My neighbors' relatives.
- _ Presidential Election, results from.
- _ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom.
- _ My children/grandchildren.
- _ Other:_______________________________Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
- Doctor.
- Dentist.
- Nutritionist.
- Psychiatrist.
- Child psychiatrist.
- Podiatrist.
- Chiropractor.
- Stockbroker.
- Accountant.
- Lawyer, General Practice.
- Criminal Lawyer.
- Civil Lawyer.
- Real estate agent.
- Architect.
- Plumber.
- Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
- Sexologist  (??)
- Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
- Other:____________________________I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority.
- On the aisle.
- Near the exit.
- Near the window.
- In Aruba.
- Near the bathroom.
- Near my in-laws.
- As far away from my in-laws as possible.
- As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible.
- Near the pulpit.
- Near single men.
- Near available women.
- Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services.
- Where no one will notice me sleeping during services.
- Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
- Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)(Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
- I can see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza.
- My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitzaPlease do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
This change): $________________________
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a соndом all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his реnis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your реnis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies,
"Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his реnis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my реnis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Sтuрid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank you!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"