Newest jokes - Page 2827

The world’s oldest clown, Floyd “Creaky” Creekmore of Montana, passed away at age 98. He leaves a very big pair of shoes to fill.

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News and Politics Jokes

Are you related to Yoda . . . cuz Yodalicious

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Star Wars Jokes

If Charlie Sheen is winning, it's only because Chuck Norris isn't playing.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”
“I’m surprised,” said the owner.
“I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”
“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor.
“But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”

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School Jokes

Rugby player:
"Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?"
Doctor:
"I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because i forgot where i put him.

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Jokes about Women Technology Jokes Old People Jokes Coffee Jokes

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said,
"I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said,
"I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said,
"I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked.
"Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunк."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A niggеr was walking in the jungle when he saw a sеxy woman that was fighting for her life with a giant snake.
The Niggеr quickly jumps and kills the snake.
The woman says to him:
You saved me!
I am I magic fairy and I can grand you any wish.
I would like you to make me white and put me between your legs.
Then, the fairy made him into cotton wall тамроn...

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Jokes about Women Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer."

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Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Coffee Jokes Restaurant Jokes

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wifekept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. WhenI arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into thehouse. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handedher a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You моrоn! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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Blonde Jokes

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'. The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nаzi. The thought was good. Thanks. Irving Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

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Blonde Jokes

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.
"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."

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Blonde Jokes

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there; then the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

In the words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face.

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? pull out the pin and throw it back
What do you do when a blode throws a pin at you? run like hеll shes got a grenade in her mouth!!

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

What is a Russian's favorite Canadian food?
Vladimir Poutine!

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Food Jokes Canadian jokes

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