Latest Jokes

Ein Mann geht im Central Park in New York spazieren. Plötzlich erblickt er ein Mädchen, das von einem Kampfhund angegriffen wird. Er läuft hin und beginnt einen wilden Kampf mit dem Hund. Endlich kann er das Tier töten, das Mädchen befreien und so ihr Leben retten. Ein Polizist hat die Situation beobachtet. Er geht zu dem Mann hin, klopft ihm auf die Schultern und sagt:
"Sie sind ein Held! Morgen wird in der Zeitung stehen: Mutiger New Yorker rettet Mädchen das Leben!" Der Mann schüttelt den Kopf und antwortet:
"Ich bin kein New Yorker!"
"Oh," erwidert der Polizist "dann steht morgen in der Zeitung:
"Mutiger Amerikaner rettet Mädchen das Leben!" Wieder schüttelt der Mann den Kopf:
"Ich bin kein Amerikaner!" Verblüfft schaut der Polizist den Mann an und fragt:
"Was sind Sie dann?!"
"Ich bin Pakistani." Am nächsten Tag steht folgende Schlagzeile in der Zeitung:
"Islamischer Extremist tötet amerikanischen Hund. Verbindungen zu Terrornetzwerk vermutet."
Football Fan To The Rescue A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines... In einer New Yorker Bar. Harry, der Barkeeper, ist schlechter Laune: "Was soll's sein?" "Machen sie mir einen Manhattan, bitte." Harry murkst den Manhattan zusammen und schmeißt ein Stückchen Petersilie obendrauf. "Was soll DAS denn sein?" fragt der Gast verwundert. "Ihr Manhattan!" "Nein, ich... Im Central-Park in New York sieht ein Mann wie ein kleines Kind von einem Kampfhund angegriffen wird.Sofort kommt er dem Kind zur Hilfe, springt dazwischen, kämpft mit dem Hund, tötet ihn und rettet das Kind. Ein zu Hilfe gerufener Polizist ging zu dem mutigen Mann, klopfte ihn anerkennend auf... Ein Mann geht im Central Park in New York spazieren. Plötzlich erblickt er ein Mädchen, das von einem Kampfhund angegriffen wird. Er läuft hin und beginnt einen wilden Kampf mit dem Hund. Endlich... Er loopt een man door Central Park in New York. Plotseling ziet hij een klein meisje dat wordt aangevallen door een pitbull. De man rent naar het meisje en begint te vechten met de pitbull....
Ethnic and Racial Jokes
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he веnт down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress: Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked. "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said. "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered. "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked. "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied. "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying. "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Jokes about Women
Жените са като презервативите - прекарват повече време в портфейла ти, отколкото върху члена ти. What do women and condoms have in common? If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Was ist die Gemeinsamkeit von Frauen und Kondomen? Beide verbringen mehr Zeit in deiner Geldtasche, als an deinem Schwanz... Qu'est-ce que les femmes et les préservatifs ont en commun? Vad är likheten mellan kondomer och kvinnor? - De är antingen runt din penis eller i din plånbok. – Vad är det för likhet mellan kvinnor och kondomer? – Båda spenderar mer tid i din plånbok än på din lem. Wat is de grootste overeenkomt tussen een condoom en een vrouw? Allebei zitten ze soms om je lul, maar grotendeels in je portemonnee. Wat hebben een vrouw en een condoom gemeen? Ze zitten soms om je lul, maar meestal in je portemonee. Wat is de overeenkomst tussen een condoom en een vrouw ze zitten bijna altijd in je portomonaie en bijna nooit aan je plasser. http://www. Safegaan. Nl Hvorfor minder en kvinde om et kondom? – De bruger begge mere tid i din pung, end på din pik Hva er likheten mellom en kvinne og en kondom? - Begge bruker mest tid i lommeboken din...
Jokes about Women Dirty jokes
An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge. "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus." He says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him. "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out. "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a рот of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out. "Oii whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says. "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.....
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says. "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"
Jokes
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:
The daughter said to her mother. "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied. "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied. "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. "My реnis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. "Have you ever heard of a реnis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said. "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies. They make one hеll of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Неll, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a соw, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a соw turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Неll, or life after death, when you don't know shiт?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
В самолет на съседни седалки седят господин и момиченце. Let's Talk Ein Fremder sitzt im Flugzeug neben einem kleinen Mädchen. Der Fremde wendet sich ihr zu und sagt: "Reden wir ein wenig zusammen? Die Flüge gehen schneller vorüber, wenn man sich unterhält." Das... Um famoso político brasileiro, estava a bordo de um avião, indo de São Paulo para Brasília. Ao seu lado, notou um garoto de uns 10 anos, de óculos, com ar sério e compenetrado. Assim que o avião... En ateist satt ved siden av en liten jente på flyet. Han snudde seg mot henne og sa: – Vil du prate litt? Flyreisen går fortere om man prater med noen. Den lille jenta, som akkurat hadde begynt å...
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