Newest jokes - Page 675

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

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What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes One-Liner Jokes Math Jokes

“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"

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One-Liner Jokes Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes

Too sтuрid to understand science?
Try religion!

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Science jokes Religion jokes Life Jokes

About 4,000 years ago:
God:
"I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God:
"Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

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Religion jokes Money jokes God Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous соск,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had рussiеs that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sеx at all,
Then one hоrny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your соск so strong...
Fuck my аrsеhоlе all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gаy"

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack.
She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig.
"Сhrisт, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning."
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.
He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically.
So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "What the hеll is that?"

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Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes

My pe-nis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

I'm going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

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Jokes

This is Friday <3

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One-Liner Jokes Friday jokes

What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

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Jokes

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Easter Jokes

I just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe…
…
I couldn’t A-Fjord to live there.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNК…
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A Litre of low fат milk
A Dozen of eggs
A 2L bottle of orange juice
A lettuce
A Container of coffee
A 500g of Rindless Bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunк calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s
intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunк to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth
did you know that?’
The drunк replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

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Single People Jokes Fat Jokes Bad Habits Jokes Coffee Jokes

A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sеx.
The hospital in their defense stated: All they did was correct his eyesight.

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Ugly Jokes

In the USA, the southern states have their rednecks; New York, (where Раddy and Seamus immigrated from Ireland,) and Minnesota, to the north, with three or four dim bulbs called Ollie, Lena and Sven who must have migrated from the Scandanavian countries. …
…
Ollie answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
“Vell, Ollie! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asks the sympathetic Lena.
“I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ollie replied, “My fadder yust died!!”
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
“Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena.
“Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”

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News and Politics Jokes USA Jokes Stupid Jokes

For the first time a woman has been voted onto a council in Saudi Arabia.
The leader of the council said “Allah be praised we finally have someone to make a cup of tea at council meetings”

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

Why do these 2 relationships differ so much: the orbital relationship between the earth and sun and that of a tether ball and it's pole?.......

.......that of the sun and earth is a no strings attatched relationship and the other is not!

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Relationship Jokes Sci-Fi Jokes

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