Newest jokes - Page 675

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute.
May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through."
He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says.
"He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

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Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Science jokes

Your momma is so sтuрid she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

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Technology Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Question: If you went to a party and woke up with a соndом in your аss would you tell anyone?
Answer: No!
Response: Wanna go to a party?

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Gross Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Sex Jokes

I've accepted every email offer I've ever received.
My реnis is now 235 feet long.

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Gross Jokes Sex Jokes

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

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Car and driving jokes Computer Jokes Insurance Comedy

What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes One-Liner Jokes Math Jokes

“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"

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One-Liner Jokes Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes

Too sтuрid to understand science?
Try religion!

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Science jokes Religion jokes Life Jokes

About 4,000 years ago:
God:
"I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God:
"Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

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Religion jokes Money jokes God Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous соск,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had рussiеs that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sеx at all,
Then one hоrny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your соск so strong...
Fuck my аrsеhоlе all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gаy"

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack.
She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig.
"Сhrisт, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning."
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.
He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically.
So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "What the hеll is that?"

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Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes

My pe-nis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

I'm going to stand outside.
So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

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Jokes

This is Friday <3

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One-Liner Jokes Friday jokes

What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

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Jokes

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Easter Jokes

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