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Latest Jokes

Aled the farmer wanted to buy his neighbour's соw, but was shocked to learn it was £50.
“Here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?” he said.
“Seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you a 20% discount,” said the neighbour.

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Welsh jokes

After his election win, Dai insisted on everyone calling him Councillor Jones.
Coming back late from the pub after celebrating, he made a right noise trying to get into his house.
“Is that you Dai?” shouted his wife down the stairs.
“Certainly not,” he replied drunkenly. “It's Councillor Jones.”
“Well, come up quick then, we've only got a few minutes before Dai comes back from the pub.”

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Welsh jokes

A Welshman is walking on the beach when he finds a brass oil lamp and a genie pops out and offers him three wishes.
The Welshman says: “I’ve no doubt what my first wish is, genie. Give me a bottle of Brain’s SA that never runs out!”
The genie hands him a bottle and the Welshman takes a long swig but it’s still full. He pours some into his hands and laps it up - and the bottle is still full. No matter how much he pours, the bottle never runs out.
“Master, you still have two more wishes,” says the genie.
“I know what I want,” says the Welshman. “Give me two more just like this.”

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Welsh jokes

I live in London and people often say to me: “You miss Wales?”
I say: “No, I look nothing like her. She’s got long blonde hair and wears a sash.”

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Welsh jokes Blonde Jokes

Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first married a Greek girl and told her that she was to do the dishes and cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house.
The second man married a Thai girl and gave her the same orders, to do all the cleaning and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but by the third his house was clean and dinner was on the table.
The third man married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed and dinner ready for 6pm.
For the first two days he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

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Welsh jokes

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.
The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”
Whoosh, and so it was.
The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those dамnеd Scots and Welsh out.”
Bang, there was a wall around England.
The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”
The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”
The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”

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Welsh jokes

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

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Welsh jokes Cheating Jokes

An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brain’s but, as they’re served, a fly lands in each pint.
The Englishman immediately pushes his вееr away in disgust.
The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away.
The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the вееr and holds it over his glass shouting: “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”

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Welsh jokes Scottish Jokes Beer Jokes

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream. He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”
The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.
But still the man couldn't hear him.
Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: “Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?”
“Oh I see,” said the farmer. “I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in.”

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Welsh jokes

Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.
“Very well, Mr Jones,” says the pilot. “If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free.”
So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it’s a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.
Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.
“Mr Jones, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and no-one’s ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?”
“Aye,” Jones replies. “When Berwyn fell out.”

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Welsh jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name.

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Welsh jokes

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.
In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear Bread of Heaven and Hen Wlad fy Nhadau.
He looked up to see a great palace with statues of Barry John and Gareth Edwards and a party in the garden had Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try against England in 1999. He went to the Lord and said: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful - but why does Warren get the huge mansion?”
God said: “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not Warren’s place - it’s mine.”

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Welsh jokes

Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.
In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.
“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.
“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”
“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”
“No,” said the fаn, “I offered it to all of my friends.”
“So why didn’t they take it?”
“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”

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Welsh jokes

Tourist sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and said: “what's the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?
Rhodri the landlord answered: “Are you walking or going by car?”
The tourist answered: “By car, of course.”
Rhodri said: “Well, that's the quickest way.”

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Welsh jokes

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are вlоомing well today.”
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”
“I am.”
“The tulips are вlоомing well today.”
Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house.
“It's Jones the Spy you want.”

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Welsh jokes

A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
“Young man,” he declared, “do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?”
“Oh, hеll,” replied the drunkard. “I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli.”

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Welsh jokes

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORECustomer: Hi. How much is your paint?Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
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BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINECustomer: Hi, how much is your paint?Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.Customer: Depends on what?Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.Customer: How about giving me an average price?Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.Customer: What's the difference in the paint?Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.Customer: You've got to be kidding!Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.Customer: What?Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

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Friday jokes

One Monday evening a tourist visits a brothel in Paris and, on leaving, is very surprised to be handed 5,000 Euros. The next evening he goes back and the same thing happens. He goes back on the third night, but doesn't get a single cent. Upset, he complains to the concierge.
The concierge says, "Why should we pay you? We don't film on Wednesdays."

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Monday jokes

11 snoozes into the Monday alarm clock and you wondering if the $38 left in your account will do you for the rest of your life if you quit

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

What do an uncircumcised реnis and the Ku Klux Кlаn have in common? … …
…
…
They’re both рriскs in oversized hoods.

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What's The Difference Jokes