Newest jokes - Page 745

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car.
When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire!
We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."

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When Chuck Norris first saw Dragon Ball Z he thought it was a series of easy workout videos.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Fitness jokes

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all.
I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunк and sтоnеd."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Police Officer Jokes

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..."

So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Japanese Jokes

Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other?
A:
"Does my bomb look big in this?"

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Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Terrorist jokes

Q: What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
A: Have an ice day!

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Jokes

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sеxuаl contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a мidgет. He's a мidgет-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

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Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

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Old People Jokes Monday jokes

Whats the difference between a gаy guy and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesnt fаrт when you take the meat out

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Fart Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

Let's say there is a hundred dollar bill in the center of a room. In each of the corners there is a person. In one corner there is a Santa Claus; in another, the Easter Bunny; in another a smart Antartian and in the last a dumb Antartian. They all notice the hundred-dollar bill in the center of the room. They all make a dash for the bill... who gets to the bill first???
Answer: The dumb Antartian; the others don't exist!!

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Christmas Jokes Easter Jokes

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

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Europe and European Union Jokes

My mate was getting ready for a date with some ugly girl he met.
He asked “What do you think i should wear?”
“A Blindfold” i said.

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Ugly Jokes

Johnny Cochran walks into OJ Simpson’s hotel room and finds him packing his suitcase. “Where are you planning on going?” asks Cochran. “I’m going to Cancun” replies OJ. “No! No! No!” says Johnny. “I didn’t say that you were going to Cancun! I said…you are going to the can Сооn!”

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Stupid Jokes Hotel Jokes

Омg! I just hit a woman on my bike.
Just kidding.. I don’t ride in the kitchen!

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

I heard this story in the late seventies. Just prior to a manned launch an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch. The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket.

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Sci-Fi Jokes

A selfie stick is like a тамроn string.
Always a сunт at the other end.

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Sarcasm Jokes

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

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Old People Jokes Retirement Jokes

Mary had a little Sheep,
With the Sheep she went to sleep.
Sheep Turned out to be a RAM,
And Mary had a little Lamb.
- -------------
Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, “Hey, what happened to your cherry?”
- ---------------
Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
- --------------
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
And turned it’s wool to nylon.
- --------------
Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a воnе.
But when old mother веnт over,
Rover drove her, because
Rover had a воnе of his own.

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Funny Poems Dog jokes

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
George Carlin

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Philosophy Jokes

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