Accountant jokes, Accounting Jokes

Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
A: Lost.

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Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
A: Lazy.

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Banker Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Accountant Jokes

An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears.
The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one."
Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual.
He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East."
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried.
"Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish."
The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."

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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.

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Accountant Jokes Money jokes Tax jokes

Q: How do you know you've got a good tax accountant?
A: He's had a loophole named after him.

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Accountant Jokes

Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Light bulb jokes

How do you know you have a great CPA?
He has a tax loophole named after him.

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Money jokes Accountant Jokes Tax jokes

It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat".
The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as.
"I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

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A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.
He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

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Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

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Q: When do accountants laugh out loud?
A: When somebody asks for a raise.

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him.
"Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

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Accountant Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Pass Again.

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Accountant Jokes

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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Accountant Jokes

The clerk walks into the boss's office and says,
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss.
"Very thoroughly," is the reply.
"Well, what did they say", says the boss.
"They want 15% to keep quiet."

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Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.

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Accountant Jokes Lawyer Jokes

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job.
The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited.
"Wow. Are you kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."

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A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint.
"Give me all your money", he says.
The muggee isindignant.
"You can't do this," he yells. "I'm anIRS agent."
"In that case," says the mugger, "give me all MY money."

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

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