Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men) ----------- He does not have a вееr gut... He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys) He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys) ----------- He is not quiet... He is a Conversational Minimalist. He is a SAMS grad. ----------- He is not sтuрid... He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He is a field grade. ----------- He does not get lost all the time... He discovers Alternative Destinations. He gets temporarily misoriented. ----------- He is not balding... He is in Follicle Regression. He has a REALLY squared away high and tight. ----------- He is not a cradle robber... He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He is breaking the new fraternization policies. ----------- He does not get falling-down drunк... He becomes Accidentally Horizontal. He practices his IMTs in the club. ----------- He is not short... He is Anatomically Compact. He suffers from a Napoleon Complex. ----------- He does not have a rich daddy... He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion. He has the Army as a hobby. ----------- He does not constantly talk about cars... He has a Vehicular Addiction. He must be a Transporter. ----------- He does not have a hot body... He is Physically Combustible. He is a PT stud. ----------- He is not unsophisticated... He is Socially Challenged. He is a Ranger. ----------- He does not eat like a pig... He suffers from Reverse Bulimia. He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut. ----------- He is not a bad dancer... He is Overly Caucasian. He is from the Muddy Boots Army. ----------- He does not hog the blankets... He is Thermally Unappreciative. He is a Blue Falcon. ----------- He is not a male chauvinist pig... He has Swinе Empathy. He must be combat arms. ----------- He is not afraid of commitment... He is Monogamously Challenged. He loves TDY.
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In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this." And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said,
"Super size them." And Man gained five pounds. And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds. And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said,
"Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fат and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into сhiрs and deep-fат fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato сhiрs swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance. So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light вееr So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds. And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fат?" And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor. And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”
“Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urinе sample.”
“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”
“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunк!”
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Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? - Mr I N Distress Dear I N Distress, This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 With best wishes, Tech Support. Submitted by calamjo Edited by Tantilazing
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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Вееr or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U. S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed рrоsтiтuте that you met at a yard sale and drink вееr all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
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What do blondes and соw-pats have in common ? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you ваng it the looser it gets. Q: What does a blond and a вееr bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool ? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: Why do blonds have square воовs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
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The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.
Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. “Who said that?” he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his вееr and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”
The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”
“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher, “because that black horse doesn’t know sh*t about cars.”
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