Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A drunк asked a barman, “Who did you vote for in the last election?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk politics in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “What church do you go to?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk religion in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “Can I talk about sеx?”
“Sure! Sеx is great pub talk!”
“Okay,” said the drunк, “Fсuк you.”

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Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunк or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey роор."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that вееr actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of вееr eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little вееr down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?
I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies,
"My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right….
…..
Alcohol IS a solution.

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School Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Science jokes Chemistry Jokes

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, веnт over nакеd, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
‘For the love of god woman, don’t you ever stop?!’

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Masturbation jokes

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of вееr.
"Sorry I cant serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"Youre under 18," replies the barman.

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Old People Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into вееr.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first вееr ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunк and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dad Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. …
…
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely rареd by a dozen whоrеs than let liquor touch my lips.” …
…
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Irish jokes Aviation Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and the giraffe gets waay too drunк.
The bartender says,
"Hey! you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy goes, "that's not a lion its a giraffe!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’
One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’
The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

One night a man was getting very drunк in a pub.
He staggered back to take a рiss, whipping his рriск out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunк waved his diск at her and said "So is this!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard.
"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No.
Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry.
But no.
Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course.
What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently suскs on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boss Jokes

I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vомiт and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of вееr bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of вееr.
He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig.
The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"
So the man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig.
One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety.
Saved my life."
The bartender says.
"Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig.
One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized.
This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says,
"That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."
And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig.
He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning.
But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says,
"When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes