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Animal Jokes

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Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
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Animal Jokes
What should you call a bald teddy?
Fred bear .
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Animal Jokes
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
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Animal Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Divorce Jokes
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another.
The elephants were connected trunk to tail.
They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000.
B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the аsshоlеs out of eight others."
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Animal Jokes Gross Jokes Money jokes
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
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Защо не се ожените, Холмс? Прашалник At the Door Ιστορίες για παντρεμένους - Почему вы не женитесь, Холмс? If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in. Jos koira haukkuu takaovella ja vaimo kolkuttaa etuovella, niin kumman sinä päästät sisään ensin? Koiran tietenkin, sillä se ainakin lopettaa haukkumisen päästyään sisään. Uw hond staat aan de achterdeur te blaffen en uw vrouw aan de voordeur te schreeuwen omdat ze geen sleutel heeft. Wie laat je binnen? Uw hond, die zwijgt tenminste als die binnen is. Votre femme est devant la porte d'entrée en train de vous aboyer dessus. Votre chien est à la porte de derrière en train d'aboyer pour rentrer. Lequel des deux devez-vous faire rentrer? Le chien....
Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes
Teacher: "What does a duck say?"
Jenny: "Quack Quack"
Teacher: "What does a соw say?"
Madison: "Moo"
Teacher: "What does a pig say?"
Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you мотhеrfuскеr!"
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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy."
"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there...
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Farmer Jokes Animal Jokes
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Вullshiт, come!”
Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
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Pet Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs.
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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes
The judge:
Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?
The inculpated:
Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
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Judge and Court Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Hunting Jokes Lawyer Jokes
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Boss Jokes
Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you ll probably beat her too!"
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes
A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?
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Animal Jokes Food Jokes
What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.
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Food Jokes Animal Jokes
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he was a cowpuncher-
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Animal Jokes Boss Jokes
Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
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Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed,
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
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Animal Jokes
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
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Banker Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
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Animal Jokes Philosophy Jokes
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