Atheist Jokes

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1) Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a тамроn and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a вiтсh and a whоrе? A whоrе sleeps with everybody at the party, and a вiтсh sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real оrgаsмs and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during оrgаsм.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s аss? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sеx: “Are you in?” 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sеx: “Honey, I’m home!” 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Рissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Вrа? When you take it off, you wonder where her тiтs went.
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There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God."

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Sатаn pay for the groceries!"
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above:
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
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El safari y el leon hambriento Ο ιεραπόστολος και το λιοντάρι Един мисионер се разхождал в Африка и на среща му изскочил лъв. Мисионерът веднага клекнал и започнал да се моли: Un eremita si trova improvvisamente di fronte ad un leone. Non sapendo cosa fare, si mette in ginocchio e dice una preghiera: "Mio Dio, dona a questo leone dei sentimenti cristiani!". Ein Missionar im Dschungel. Plötzlich sieht er vor sich einen riesigen Löwen. Er fällt auf die Knie und betet zu Gott, er möge ihn beschützen. Plötzlich kauert auch der Löwe nieder und beginnt zu beten. Der Missionar ist glücklich: Ein Wunder, Gott hat ihn gerettet! Da hört er das Gebet des... Мисионер в Африка е заобиколен от лъвове, които искат да го изядат. Той коленичи започва да се моли: „Мили Боже, моля те, направи чудо и направи от тези животни вярващи християни!“ Проблясва светкавица. Миг по-късно лъвовете коленичат в кръг около него и започват да се молят: „Господи Исусе,... Ein Missionar wird in Afrika von Löwen umkreist, die ihn fressen wollen. Er kniet nieder und betet: "Lieber Gott, bitte wirke ein Wunder und mache aus diesen Tieren gläubige Christen!" Da knien die Löwen auch im Kreis um ihn nieder und beginnen zu beten: "Komm‘ Herr Jesus sei unser Gast und... Священник в пустелі зустрівся з левом. Почав молитьсь з переляку: - О, Боже! Молю тебе, внуши цьому леву християнські почуття! Лев сідає на задні лапи, схиляє голову і вимовляє: - Благослови, Господи, їжу, яку я зараз прийму. Un curita misionero es raptado por los caníbales, y como opone mucha resitencia le sueltan a la mascota, un feroz león. El cura intenta huir del animal, pero se agota y empieza a rezar con mucha fe: - ¡Señor, haz que este león se vuelva cristiano! De pronto, el león se para, se arrodilla, junta... Il était une fois un explorateur qui tomba devant un lion. L'explorateur apeuré dit : - Dieu, faites que ce lion est une pensée Chrétienne. Et le lion répondis : - Dieu, bénissez ce repas. Un missionnaire en plein désert se retrouve nez à nez avec un lion affamé. Il se met à genoux et commence à prier : - Mon Dieu, bénissez-moi et faites que ce lion épargne votre fidèle serviteur. A... I det antika Rom jagades en kristen av ett lejon. Han sprang genom stadsgatorna, och ut i skogen, där han rusade i sicksack mellan träden. Till slut insåg han att hela flykten var meningslös,... O Padre estava passeando pela floresta quando viu uma onça que corria em sua direção. O Padre começou a correr e quando ela estava quase alcançando-o, ele teve uma idéia brilhante. Parou,... Der Pfarrer auf Urlaub in Afrika sieht sich plötzlich von einem Rudel Löwen umzingelt. Die Flucht ist ausgeschlossen. Da fällt er auf die Knie, schließt die Augen und betet: "Oh Herr, verschone... C'est un missionnaire parti inculquer la parole de dieu en Afrique. En pleine savane il se retrouve face à un lion affamé qui commence à le poursuivre. Le missionnaire voit son salut dans la... Va un cura corriendo porque lo persigue un león cuando de repente el cura se arrodilla y dice: - Señor, te pido que este león se vuelva cristiano. El león se arrodilla y dice: - Señor, bendice... En prest var på bjørnejakt. Han var uheldig og kom litt for brått på bjørnen. Presten sprang av gårde det han kunne, men bjørnen var raskere og tok innpå. Da han kjente bjørnens pust i nakken,... Au Kenya, un touriste égaré se retrouve nez à nez avec un lion. Ne sachant que faire pour sauver sa peau, il s'agenouille et prie : - Dieu, faites que ce lion ait une pensée chrétienne... Alors, le... Caminaba un misionero por la sabana africana, cuando de repente vio aparecer ante si, un león enorme. El misionero miró a la derecha e izquierda, pero no encontró ningún lugar para ocultarse; ante... Un pape en expédition en Afrique se trouve d'un coup agressé par un lion affamé... Bien que surpris, il prie Dieu : - Seigneur, Faites que cet animal soit animé de pensées chrétiennes. Aussitôt le... Un lion pourchasse un Chrétien, dans la Rome antique. Le Chrétien fuit et tente d'échapper à Son poursuivant, passant dans des Endroits les plus inattendus et les plus difficiles. Mais, Il se rend... У пустелі на місіонера напав лев. Місіонер благає: — Господи, вклади в душу цьому звірові християнські почуття! Раптом лев піднімає очі до неба і каже: — Господи, благослови їжу, яку я зараз прийму! Un misionar in jungla. Deodata se trezeste cu un leu urias in fata sa. Cade in genunchi cu mainile impreunate si zice: - Doamne apara-ma! Leul la randul sau isi impreuneaza labele din fata si...
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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.
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Шотландец лови риба в езерото Лох Нес. An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in... Un écossais athée était en train de pêcher sur le Loch Ness quand tout à coup son bateau est attaqué par le monstre (Nessie quoi),. D'un seul coup d'échine, la bête propulse le bateau et son... Aquele ateu confesso estava pescando tranquilo no lago Ness, quando, de repente, vê um monstro enorme emergir do lago. Apavorado, começa a gritar: — Socorro! Socorro! Mas ninguém consegue ouvir os...
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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
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A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either.  In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of  Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
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