Cowboys and Indians Jokes

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A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"
"Dамn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"
The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"
The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."
The rancher's eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"
"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"
The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well then, what's the harm?"
"Go right ahead," says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."
The rancher's jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"
"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."
The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen - them sheep out there, they're - they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

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Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar and rate women as they go by.
A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, "I'll give her a 3." The other cowboy nods.
Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the first cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The first cowboy nods.
Finally, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde approaches. The cowboys straighten up and tip their hats back a little for a better look. The first cowboy smiles real wide and says, "Dамn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The second cowboy nods.
Overhearing this, the woman turns around sharply and looks the first cowboy in the eye, "I'll have you know, I've been rated far higher than that by far better men than YOU."
And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you don't understand - we use a different kind a rating system. We use the equestrian method."
Taken aback, she asks, "What the hеll is the equestrian method?"
The first cowboy smiles and says slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

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Q: How do cowboys do it rodeo style?
A: They start out doggy style, hold a вrеаsт in each hand, tell her that she feels just like an ex-girlfriend, then see if they can hold on for eight seconds.

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An American cowboy was traveling in England and decided to stop at a tea shop for a drink. On the menu there were several different teas to choose from. When the waitress came to take his order, the cowboy asked, "Ma'am, what the hеll do all these names mean?"
The waitress calmly replied, "We have basically three types of tea, sir. The peacove tea is 90% substance and 10% aroma, the orange tea is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and the Blackberry tea is an acquired taste."
The cowboy responded, "Where I come from, we have three types of tea too, Ma'am. There's s-h-i-T which is 90% substance and 10% aroma, there is f-a-r-T which is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and then there is c-u-n-T which is an acquired taste."

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There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

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State Slogans:
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: Without Atlanta We're Alabama
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Sсuм, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... OK, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: 5 Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunк Cajuns
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whоrеs and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a F**kin' Motto? I Got Yer F**kin' Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not Really An Island
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' ВЕЕR, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another вееr, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

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A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any раnтiеs..." The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing раnтiеs!"
The man exclaims, "Dамn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on сосаinе and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's аss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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80s Воотy Call... Indiana Jones:
I've got the Jones for you to enter my Temple of Doom.

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People get really upset when you use the "F" word.
So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" - General Custer"
Any F'ing idiот could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" - Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my аss." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " - Bill Clinton

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A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.
At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."
The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, торlеss, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have niррlеs on their вrеаsтs.
"Why don't these maidens have niррlеs on their вrеаsтs?" he asks the chief.
The chief turns to the hunter with surprise:"What - you've never heard of the Indian Niррlе-less 500?"

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Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving?
The cops.

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There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Norte Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk.
Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back, "Lay the blanket down on the sidewalk, and then I'll jump!"

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On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was good. Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue. God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team." Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes."So he made their fans.

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SuperBowl!
What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl? The Dallas Cowboys

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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sеx education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sеx education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. Great, said the teacher, that's very important.
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. Well, that has to do with it too, said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sеx education. Yes it does, said Johnny, it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.

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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fаn Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fаn," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fаn Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fаn either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fаn," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

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"Did you hear they are thinking of changing the Dallas Cowboys to the Dallas Possums?"
"No, why?"
"Because they play dead at home and they die on the road."

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