Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small реnis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said,
"Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sеx change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A guy goes into the Doctors and says ” Doctor, I have got three testicles, does that make me a freak?”
After a quick examination the Doctor says ” Wow you do indeed have three testicles, and no it doesn’t make you a freak, it makes you a unique human being, be proud of having them”
The guy comes out of the Doctors feeling ten feet tall and heads to the bus stop where another guy is waiting there.
Not being able to resist, he says to the guy ” Do you know that between us we have five ваlls?”
The other guy says ” Why, have you only got one?”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Disability Jokes

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.
In an attempt to кill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

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Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Phone jokes Banker Jokes

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
The man replies,
"No, just spots."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sеx.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He dамn near died on us!"
The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy dамn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to рriск Mr. Smith's boil!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.”
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Disability Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiот!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Pregnancy Jokes

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said,
"Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about... You're simply going through the change."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sеxy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Dамn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said,
"Please don't, you don't need to pay me now."
The patient answered:
"Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dentist Jokes

What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay Fever.

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Animal Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sarcasm Jokes