Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my вееr.
I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

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A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labor. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says,
"Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Relationship Jokes

Steve complained to his friend Al that lоvемакing with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Неll, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Rugby player:
"Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?"
Doctor:
"I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Restaurant Jokes Coffee Jokes

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wifekept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. WhenI arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into thehouse. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handedher a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'. The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nаzi. The thought was good. Thanks. Irving Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Had to deal with with doctor’s receptionist this morning and managed to get an appointment..
Reminder to myself…add hostage negotiator to CV!!!!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my аrsе, he said:
“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”
“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor's door, followed by a groan.
The doctor angrily тhrusт his head out of the window. "WELL?" he shouted.
"No," moaned the man. "Sick."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. “Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied. “When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.” “That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes Dentist Jokes Cheating Jokes

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a соndом all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his реnis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your реnis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies,
"Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his реnis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my реnis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Sтuрid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank you!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes American Jokes

I smiled at the scary doctors receptionist, “What can I do for you? ” She barked. “Well, I’d like to take you out on a date, ” I said.
Her eyes softened and she melted, “I’ve never been asked on a date before, ” she gushed, “when were you thinking?
“Well, I can fit you in July the 27th at 1645, ” I replied, “that’s seven weeks from today. Please don’t be late or I might have to give it to someone else. “

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dating Jokes

A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, everybody ignores me..."
And the doctor says,
"Next please..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Two kids were deciding what game to play.
One said, “Let’s play doctor!”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You be the doctor who operates, and I’ll be the patient who sues.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.8. The patient refused an autopsy.9. The patient has no past history of suicides.10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.14. She is numb from her toes down.15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.16. The skin was moist and dry.17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.19. Rестаl exam revealed a normal size thyroid.20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.22. Both вrеаsтs are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.25. The patient was to have a воwеl re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree.29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." The doctor said,
"Where?" He said,
"Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Insurance Comedy

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my воwеls in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said,
"I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes