Judge and Court Jokes

Most popular in this category
Judge and Court Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’ ‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer. ‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’... - En ung mekaniker kom op til Sct. Peter, der spurgte om mandens alder. - Jeg er 32, svarede mekanikeren. - Hør! Her er da noget galt, sagde Sct. Peter. Ifølge dine arbejdssedler, så er du 71…
Judge and Court Jokes Old People Jokes Lawyer Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy.
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason.
The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any ваlls. You must be a lawyer."
Blind Bunny Meets Blind Snake Το Tυφλό λαγουδάκι A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at... O coelhinho tropeça numa cobra e logo justifica: — Desculpe! É que eu não te vi porque sou cego! — Não tem problema! — ameniza a cobra. — Eu também não te vi. Também sou cega. Que tipo de animal é...
Judge and Court Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers... Starszy człowiek potrzebuje przeszczepu serca i omawia różne opcje z lekarzem. Lekarz mówi: - Mamy trzech potencjalnych dawców. Pierwszy to młody, zdrowy kulturysta, który zginął w wypadku... En gammel rig mand med dårligt hjerte, beder en læge om at gennemsøge hele verden, for at finde det bedste donorhjerte. Penge er ikke noget problem. Et par dage senere ringer lægen til manden, og...
Judge and Court Jokes Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Business jokes Lawyer Jokes
Ein ehrlicher Politiker, ein fleißiger Beamter und der großartige Weihnachtsmann finden einen 100-Euro-Schein. Wer darf ihn behalten? Der großartige Weihnachtsmann. Die beiden anderen existieren... Like før jul, var en ærlig politikker, en snill advokat og julenissen i heisen på et hotel. Like før dørene åpnet seg så alle 100kr som lå på golvet. Hvem tok den opp. Julenissen såklart, de to...
Judge and Court Jokes Christmas Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Hotel Jokes
Judge and Court Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Lawyer Jokes Single People Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Military Jokes
Веднъж лекар, строителен инженер и програмист, започнали да спорят - коя професия е по-древна. Најстарата работа Ein Chirurg, ein Architekt und ein NT-Netzwerkverwalter streiten Freunde - ein Arzt, ein Bau-Ingenieur und ein Politiker - sitzen am Stammtisch und philosophieren darüber, was wohl der erste Beruf der Welt gewesen sei. Sagt der Arzt: Un medico, un architetto e un avvocato stanno discutendo per stabilire quale fra le loro tre professioni sia la più antica. Esto eran un médico, un ingeniero y un informático que estaban discutiendo sobre cuál de sus profesiones era la más antigua. El médico dice: - Veréis… en la Biblia pone que Dios creó a Eva a partir de una costilla de Adán, esto obviamente requiere conocimientos de cirugía y por lo tanto la... Un medico, un architetto e un avvocato si stanno confrontando su quale sia la professione più antica tra le loro 3. Il medico sostiene: "Secondo l'Antico Testamento Eva fu creata da una costola di Adamo...naturalmente per mano di un chirurgo!" L'architetto non è del tutto d'accordo e risponde:... Ein Maler, ein Pfarrer und ein Politiker diskutieren, welche ihrer Professionen die älteste ist. Der Maler sagt: "Schon die Urmenschen malten in Höhlen!" Der Pfarrer sagt: "Gott hat die Welt aus dem einzigen Chaos geschaffen!" Dagegen der Politiker: "Und woher kommt das Chaos?" En jurist, en læge, en arkitekt og en politiker diskuterer hvis erhverv er ældst: Juristen siger: "Mit erhverv er det ældste, fordi en af mine kolleger forsvarede Kain, da han havde slået sin bror... Ein Arzt, ein Architekt und ein Informatiker diskutieren darüber, wer von den dreien den ältesten Beruf habe. Der Arzt: "Ganz am Anfang schnitt Gott Adam eine Rippe heraus und schuf Eva. Das war ja...
Judge and Court Jokes God Jokes Lawyer Jokes
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Superhero Jokes
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.” “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.  He replied, “I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door.  “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.  The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a соw in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…The pig and the соw.
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.
This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Συγκινήθηκε A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by... Numa cidadezinha do interior, o prefeito vai ter uma reunião com aquele famoso advogado. — Doutor — começa ele. — Segundo informações de nosso departamento financeiro o senhor teve uma renda no ano... De directeur van een liefdadigheidsorganisatie merkt dat dé topadvokaat van zijn gemeente nog nooit een gift heeft gedaan, en besluit hem hierover eens aan te spreken. "Meester, we hebben eens een...
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Nurse jokes
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your аsshоlе before prison, ..."
Zwei Drogendealer bekämpfen den Drogenkonsum Πως να κόψετε τα ναρκωτικά Съдят двама наркодилъри. Съдията: Dois amigos estavam fumando maconha e foram pegos pela polícia. No dia do julgamento o juiz, que estava de bom-humor, disse: — Vocês parecem ser boas pessoas, por isso lhes darei uma segunda chance! — Ao invés de irem pra cadeia, vocês terão que mostrar para as pessoas os terríveis males das... Οι βλαβερές συνέπειες των ναρκωτικών...
Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes Prison Jokes Bad Habits Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Judge and Court Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Divorce Jokes Lawyer Jokes Cheating Jokes
Двама юристи, влизат в едно кафене, извадили домашно приготвени сандвичи и почнали да ги ядат. Дотичала сервитьорката: Два юриста в кафе достали бутеры. Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me,... Zwei Anwälte kommen in ein Restaurant und bestellen je einen Drink. Als sie versorgt sind, packen sie jeder ein Sandwich aus dem Koffer und beginnen zu essen. Es dauert nicht lange, da kommt der... Dwóch prawników weszło do baru. Zamówili po drinku, po czym wyciągnęli z teczek po kanapce i zaczęli jeść. Natychmiast pojawił się przed nimi właściciel baru. - Panowie, bez przesady... Nie możecie... I middagspausen smuttede to advokater ind på bistroen over for domhuset. De satte sig til rette på terrassen og bestilte drikkevarer, hvorefter de hver især trak en sandwich frem fra deres... To advokater sitter på restaurant, og åpner koffertene sine. De tar ut hvert sitt smørbrød og begynner å spise. En kelner kommer bort, og sier: - Unnskyld meg, dere kan ikke spise deres egen mat... Kaksi asianajajaa meni päivälliselle ja tilasi kaksi olutta. Voileivät nostettiin salkuista ja eväs alkoi. Baarimikko marssi pöytään. - Ette te voi syödä omia leipiänne täällä! Asianajajat... Két ügyvéd bemegy egy étterembe, leülnek, kérnek egy pohár vizet, majd kinyitják az aktatáskájukat és elővesznek 1-1 szendvicset. A pincér felháborodva odaszól: - De uraim! Ez egy étterem! Itt nem... Tarjoilija blondeille: - Anteeksi, mutta ravintolassamme ei saa syödä omia eväitä. Blondit katsoivat toisiaan hetken ja vaihtoivat eväänsä
Judge and Court Jokes Food Jokes Lawyer Jokes
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes