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An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?”
The first guy says, “24 years.”
“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, Peter asked.
The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times…but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln.”
The 3rd guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
“I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!”
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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sеx with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sеx with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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