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There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
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There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, “I call my man 7-up.” They ask her,” Why do you call your man that,” and she says,” Because he’s seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says,” I call my man Mountain Dew.” They ask,” Why do you call your man that,” and she says,” Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me.” They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.” They look at her puzzled and say,” Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor,” and she says, “Exactly.”
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Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they’re walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fат, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, “Sure, if you fuск me.”
The first man replies, “I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fат smelly аss.”
The second man wants to live and agree’s to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, “fuск me then!”
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fuскs her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, “Fuск the water, I want some more of that buttered corn.”
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A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D. I. Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"
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A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing. …
…
“A magic potion” she replies. …
….
“Well what is it for?” he asks.
“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sеx life.
After a short period of soul searching, he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?”
“Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game.”
“And how about your sеx life?”
“Oh, not bad.”
“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy’s sеx life. Say, how many times did you have sеx last year?”
“Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.”
“And you call that not bad?”
“Not for a priest with a small parish.”
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