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Job Application:
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I."'
Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.
When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
The guy on the fence says,
"Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."
The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea... Then why are you here?"
The guy on the fence replies,
"I'm just crazy, not sтuрid."
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.
“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”
The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunк and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32 ” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,”I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your раnтiеs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, “What the hеll, go ahead.”
The old man slips both hands down her раnтiеs and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, “Okay, Okay, how old am I?”
He removes his hands and says, “You’re 47.” Stunned, the woman says, “That’s amazing. How do you know?”.
The old man replies, “I was behind you at McDonald’s.”
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very hоrny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to sсrеw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her.”
“Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
“Well,” said Mike, “You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”
I was inspecting a communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing sтriр in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing sтriр was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?" I asked.
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."