Men jokes - Page 249

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whоrеhоusе.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whоrеhоusе and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whоrе house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FСUКING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

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Research shows that men speak 25,000 words a day and a women speaks 30,000 a day..
The problem is, after the husband comes home from work having consumed his 25,000 words..
The wife starts her 30,000.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,”
“it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

What is the difference between a well dressed man riding a bike and a man in a suit riding a unicycle?
One wheel!

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Men jokes

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”…
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”. He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my test!cles black?”
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his pen!s in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says “There is nothing wrong with them!”
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?

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Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the sister pretending he was looking for the gear lever. The sister cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7″. The man quickly removed his hand.
After a short time the man placed his hand again on the laps of the sister. The sister said to him again ;”Matthew 7 vs 7″. The man nervously removed his hand.
The sister reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said “So you don’t read your Bible!”
When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7 vs 7 it says “ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U”.

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Religion jokes Men jokes

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

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Men jokes

How many cups of coffee will this hold?” the man asked as he placed a large thermos on the lunchroom counter.
“Six cups,” advised the waitress.
“Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream."

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Men jokes

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom.
When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - “Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your аrsе with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean.”
The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that.
So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it.
So he wipes his аrsе with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

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Men jokes

Two strangers, a man and woman are
Seated at a dinner party together. The
Man turns to the woman and says, I’ve
Got a hypothetical question for you miss.
The woman, curious, says “O. K. shoot.”
The man says “If a man were to offer you
One million dollars to sleep with him, would you do it?”
The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers “I guess I would…. for a million dollars.”
The man smiles and says “Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five dollars?”
The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man, “Of course I won’t. What do you think I am!”
To which the man replies, “We’ve already
Determined WHAT you are, now we’re just negotiating the price.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Q. Why do Pandas have black eyes?
A. Because they can’t satisfy their man.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

When the maintenance men removed the 10 Commandments from the courthouse, nobody said anything - until the statue fell off the dolly and cracked a little. Everybody yelled, "Run!"

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Men jokes Political Jokes

NIKE was founded by men, so its tagline says - "Just do it!"
If it had been founded by a woman, its tagline would have been...
"Just do it... if you want to... I don't want to force you... It's your life... Anyway you don't listen to me.. Do what you want to do... Who am I to say anything... But it has to happen and you have to do it!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you?”
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 458. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiот. The window won’t open… and that’s a maintenance

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Hotel Jokes

Two drunks realize that they are sobering up and only have $1.25 between them. So, they buy a hot dog from a hot dog stand and go into the next bar.
They do shot after shot until the bartender demands that they pay up. The drunк with the hot dog opens his zipper and puts it through the opening. The other drunк gets down and starts suскing on it. The bartender throws them out.
The drunks go to several bars with this routine until they are beyond drunк.
"Man," one of the drunks says,
"That hot dog trick worked great."
"Actually," the second drunк says,
"I ate the hot dog at the second bar."

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,”Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirтy and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.
Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“Clean as cold water can get it” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside

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Men jokes

On a ship, the Project Managers of three different companies belonging to three different nations were traveling with their trainee engineers. They started an argument on whose trainee engineers had more guts.
The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a swim around the moving ship. The trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted and said, “See the guts!”
Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to swim two laps around the moving ship. The trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, “See the guts!”
Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to swim five laps around the ship. The trainee promptly replied, ”Why the heck should I?”
The Indian PM proudly said, “See the guts!”

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Men jokes

Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.

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Dirty jokes Men jokes

What every man
Wants is a lady
By day
And a sеxuаl goddess
By night

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Dirty jokes Men jokes

Study: Women have better memories than men.
Bullshit - every time I chat up a fit bird, she can’t remember her real phone number.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Dating Jokes