News and Politics Jokes

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Ed Gein -- he's the guy that Hannibal Lecter was based on, 'Hannibal the Cannibal.' He made furniture out of people. Isn't that nice? 'Is that a Chippendale?'
'No, that's Bob Weinstein.'

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Sports news report: The United... States that they Ghana win.

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North Korea is back online after internet outage.
Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.

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If you are flying in an airplane and it gets on fire where do you come out?
In the news.

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Oh shiт, my computer uses U. S. English.
I wanted to ‘save’ the document but accidentally blew it up.

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North Korea has test-fired a ballistic missile into the Sea of Japan.
It was meant to land on Oklahoma but they couldn’t get enough tension in the catapult.

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Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days.
Turns out he had the flu.
That’s what happens when you fight cold wars.

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Don't be afraid, people. That's what Diск Cheney said right after the attacks. He said that from seclusion.

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You look at our grandparents' generation, and they're a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a воng out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.

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Ollie and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ollie waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news….
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“The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that the birth is a Caesarian.” …
….
Ollie started crying:
“Vell, I’m glad it is a healthy baby…but I vas kinda hopin’ dat it vould be a Norvegian.”

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And then people are like, 'What do we want? Our troops to come home! When do we want it? Now!' It's always 'Now!' I just think that's really unreasonable. It should be like, 'What do want? Our troops to come home! When do we want it? Well, it shouldn't take more than a year, really!'

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A plane has crashed into a river in Taiwan, clipping a taxi and a bridge on its way down. Officials say at the moment there are 19 confirmed deaths, whilst 16 people have been rescued. And that’s just in the taxi.

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At least my massive sтrоке wasn’t all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

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A garland will be dropped into the sea on Sunday to mark the first anniversary of missing Malaysia MH370.
Exactly where it will be dropped is anybody’s guess.

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Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sort of proves his point, really.

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Did you hear about the guy in Hong Kong who killed and ate his parents? Apparently he did it because they were going to stop funding his lavish lifestyle.
Talk about literally biting the hand that feeds you. Obviously that’s one of the few sayings that isn’t an old Chinese proverb…

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The world is £4 trillion in debt.
Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

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A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.
His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."
There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.
"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"
She said,
"Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

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Did you hear Quayle was in a meeting today? They were discussing AK-47s, and he stood up and yelled, 'Bingo!'

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So I read this article in the papers about a 14-year old girl’s bet to have sеx with 100 men in one year.
It disgusts me to see kids betting.

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