Partying & Bad Behavior

What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
"You're not owld enough."

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One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow.
He said he can't walk.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Military Jokes

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area.
The police tell the drunк party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes Car and driving jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Are you out of your mind? Swimming -- you mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I had to quit drinking; I kept waking up in Utah.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I smoke рот sometimes every day.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

When I die, bury me deep.
Plant some rееfеr at my feet.
Place some papers in my hand.
I'll roll my way to the promised land.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

You want a real survivor show -- put Robert Downey Jr., Michael Irvin and Darryl Strawberry in a сrаск house with one rock.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

You know that show 'Remember the 80s?' I'm glad they made it 'cause I forgot half the сrар that I did.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I went to the groceries because I wanted to buy one bottle of milk.
I have found out that I´ve got only 0,50 cent and the mild has cost 1 euro.
I have told the saleswoman that I have only 0,50 cent and I want to buy one bottle of milk.
She has solved the situation very practically.
She has taken the mop, went to the storage, cleaned the floor with spilled milk on it, she has pressed out the mop to the carry bag and gave it to me.
At home I have added this milk to the coffee, I have felt something like stones or something like that under my teeth, but the coffee was really tasty.
After that came my friends and the party has continued as usual.

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Money jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Business jokes Friendship Jokes Customer service jokes Coffee Jokes

You ever let someone call you the wrong name 'cause you just don't feel like correcting them? And six months later, you finally tell them? You're like, 'You know my name isn't John. It's Tom.' They're like, 'Why didn't you tell me that in the beginning?' 'Yeah, I wasn't planning on knowing you this long.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I got pulled over recently, and I was hammered. The cop was like, 'Where are you headed tonight?' I was like, 'Uh, to jail?'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I'm a former hippie; I did drugs back when they were healthy. The only time I ever did LSD was at Disney World. I didn't go there -- it came to me. I was Snow White.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

By round of applause, how many people in here know somebody that smokes wееd? I don't have a joke for that, I'm just trying to find a connection.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York. He has a thick New York accent. Like instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here -- I'm drunк.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

You ever been telling a story in front of a group of people, and you realize right at the end of the story, it's a really sucky story? So to make it better, you lie at the end, you know? Spice it up a little bit:
'Yeah, so we're waiting there, and Alex shows up 45 minutes late, and he doesn't have the keys -- and then his head blew up.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

How many stoners does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
Zero, the only way a stoner would get off his lazy а$$ and change a light bulb is if he thought he hid his stash in the socket.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

First boy:
"Are you having a party for your birthday?"
Second boy:
"No, I'm having a witch do."
First boy:
"What's a witch do?"
Second boy:
"She flies around on a broomstick casting spells."

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Kids Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Birthday Jokes

It's just like the movie, 'Sideways' -- they'll drive to the vineyard, drink and drive, and there were no cops anywhere. I'm like, 'That's how you get away with it? I gotta try that in Chicago.' 'You been drinking tonight, sir?' 'No, just tasting. I got some cheese and crackers in the back.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, “I'll take a large вееr.”
The bartender says, “Do you want dry вееr with no aftertaste, or brewed вееr with aftertaste?”
Joe thinks about this for a minute. “Ah, give me the brewed.” So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.
“No, no,” says Al, “think manly! I'll have a dry вееr.” The bartender goes to fix it.
“Why the dry?” Joe asks.
“Well,” says Al, “that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!”

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch.

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Kids Jokes Make My Day Laughs Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Father's Day Jokes

I don't have much of a memory at all. No, I really don't. I think it's the drugs -- prescription and some under the counter, as well -- but, I mean, it's just gone. I'm really bad with names. I mean, I can meet someone, they tell me their name, I'm looking them right in the eye -- it goes in one ear, out the other. Then I'm just sitting there staring right at him, thinking, 'I wonder if he has any drugs? That's a big pinky nail for a man.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

Folks, you say what you want about the crackheads, but when they're hard up for a fix, they are good workers. This guy raked my entire yard with a fork in 11 minutes.

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Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you wееd people out of your life.

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Office and Work Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Tequila -- that's what makes you drunк right there; that's what'll get you drunк in the bar. You see, I think that's what the world's divided up into. It's not a man/woman thing or a black/white thing, it's a tequila thing. I think there're people who can drink tequila and there're people who can never hear that word again.

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Jokes about Women Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Every party I go to, it's like, 'Hey man, I got some coke. Let's go in the back.' Just once, I want to go to a party and have some guy say, 'Hey man, I got some gasoline. Let's put it in your car.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes

I quit drinking вооzе. Now, I'm what you'd call a 'social drinker,' which means if someone says they'll have a drink, I say, 'So shall I.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Two gаys were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gаy asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Drinking is never a problem. Hand to mouth -- no problem. It's quantity over time that's the problem.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

I got pulled over for drunк driving the other day. The cops had me walk that line. I said the one thing you shouldn't say. I was like, 'Stop wiggling it.' 'Cause that gives you away.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

My supervisor came to me, she said, 'Dominique, you know tomorrow's your drug test.' I just laughed. She said, 'Why are you laughing?' I said, 'Because this must be my last day.'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Boss Jokes

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

There were two men sitting on a wall outside a pub called the Queen's Legs. A policeman came along and said, “What are you doing?” The two men said, “We're were wating for the Queen's Legs to open so we can have a drink.”

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

I don't mind hangovers except for the fact that it's merely a physical reminder that you accomplished nothing productive the night before.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes