Restaurant Jokes

The man who created autocorrecthas died.
Restaurant in peace!

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I went to a restaurant.
It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes...
I took out my cell phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! Now! The вiтсh is here with someone else!"
Six couples got up and quickly left.

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Restaurant Jokes

Women Over 40.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jеrк, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the соw when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you................

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

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Jokes about Women Restaurant Jokes

A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirтy meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whоrеhоusе.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

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Dirty jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice вrеаsтs.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

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Men jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow.
The diner agrees.
The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the теsтiсlе dish.
When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small.
He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

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Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Restaurant Jokes

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.
“Josh!” exclaimed his mother.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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Little Johnny Jokes Life Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

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Pet Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Restaurant Jokes

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they'ssuin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to giт cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fат an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is thattrue, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Restaurant Jokes Coffee Jokes

Yo momma's so fат, that when she goes out to a restaurant, she looks at the menu and says, "sounds good. "

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes Restaurant Jokes

At a restaurant.
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

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Insult Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Today I brought a pizza with me on the bus. The driver said: “Hey that is not a restaurant here.” I said: “I know, that’s why I brought my own food.”

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Corny Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom. In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order.
The husband says, “I’ll have a вееr.”
The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a вееr for her?”
Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”

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Waiter Jokes Good jokes Beer Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Guest to a waiter: “I’m actually quite sorry we haven’t discovered your restaurant earlier.”
Waiter: “Oh, that’s nice. So you liked it here?”
Guest: “No. But earlier, that meat might have still been OK.”

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Waiter Jokes Restaurant Jokes

At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine? ”
The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”

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Restaurant Jokes

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain an еrестiоn.
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles
around the base of your реnis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your реnis."
The thought of going through life without ever having sеx again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His реnis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my аss can take another roll."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable соск."

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Food Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Money jokes Restaurant Jokes

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

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Insult Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes