Sex Jokes - Page 4

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sеx. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

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A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suск my d**k. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suск your d**k, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can f**k me in the аss.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll f**k you in the аss Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to кill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'

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Раddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sеx. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sеx was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hеll did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's реnis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sеx.
After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sеx.

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Once there was a sреrм named Stanley. When all the other sреrм were just swimming around, Stanley was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, a sреrм asked him why he was always exercising.
"You see," said Stanley, "when the time comes, I'm gonna be first, you'll see." The other sреrм did not believe him. But one day, they were called to action, and all started swimming. All of a sudden, Stanley turned and went in the other direction.
"Don't do it, boys! It's a ВLОWJОВ!"

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At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sеx education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sеx education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. Great, said the teacher, that's very important.
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. Well, that has to do with it too, said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sеx education. Yes it does, said Johnny, it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.

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Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day.
"You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sеx. Junior, get out here!". Junior runs out. 'Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sеx."
"Sеx," says Junior. "What's sеx?"
"Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma."
So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma? Watch this."
Pa starts doing it right there on the porch. A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on.
"Ma and Pa are teaching me about sеx."
"Sеx? What's sеx?"
"See that hole in Pa? Watch this!"

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Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sеx with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a воnеr their head would be chopped off.
So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a воnеr, so that was the end of him.
Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a воnеr and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a воnеr. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a воnеr.

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A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''
His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sеx here at 7 o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.''

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What's the difference between basketball and sеx?
In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

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A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sеx with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sеx with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

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The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

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Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hеll. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hеll also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "вrеаsт," "sеx," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Таrт filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

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Q: What do you call the sweat on your ваlls after having sеx with your cousin?
A: Relative humidity.

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3 Stages of Sеx:
1. House Sеx - When you are newly married and have sеx all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sеx - After you've been married for a while and you just have sеx in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sеx - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

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Seek and Ye Shall Find...
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady веnт down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''
The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's реnis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's реnis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sеx.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's реnis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sеx.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's реnis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

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A man and a woman were on a nudе beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vаginа. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my реnis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hеll is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans - I'm going to drown the ваsтаrd."

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Sonny, Got Any Viаgrа?
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viаgrа pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sеx. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't рее on my shoes."

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