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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the вuтт and said, ‘Well ваве, Merry Christmas! it’s a great morning for sеx or golf ‘ and she said, “Take a sweater..”
Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sеx!”
Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sеx, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sеx!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?”
“No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have inтеrсоursе.
“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”
“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching сliмаx, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“Oh Stewart! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a terrible day I had!”
Microsoft’s Latest Venture
News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sеx. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Соndом98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Inтеrсоursе Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sеxuаl services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigоlо niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Соndом98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sеx life. Man was horrified “Only twenty years of normal sеx life?” but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sеx life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an аss of himself.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sеx. Now, Sеx has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sеx.
He said,
"I would like to have one too!"
Then I said,
"But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said,
"You don't understand. ... I have had Sеx since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sеx at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said,
"But Sеx has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sеx."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sеx at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sеx.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sеx.
I said,
"You don't understand. ... Sеx keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said,
"Me too!"
One day I entered Sеx in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sеx in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sеx on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said,
"Your Honor, I had Sеx before I was married but Sеx left me after I was married."
The Judge said,
"Same here!"
Last night Sеx ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said,
"I'm looking for Sеx." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more dамn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sеx has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said,
"Look mister, you should understand that sеx isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."