Sex Jokes - Page 95

I used to smoke after sеx but now I just use Vaseline.

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Wanting to have a quick love-making session, the couple told their 8-year-old son to go stand on the balcony with a popsicle and to report to them all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into action.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving... and Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sеx."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sеx?"
"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “DАМN!”
“What’s the matter?” asks the wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Girl: Mom, what's the difference between sеx and rаре?
Mom: Well, sеx is when both couples like having it, while rаре is when only one is enjoying it and the other is feeling like it's a nightmare.
Girl: Well, then I think dad is rарing you, cuz I hear you saying 'stop it' all the time to him.
Mom: ...

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My mate Dave the fireman was in a burning building the other day when he came across a trapped sеxy вusтy 19 year old blonde.
He said “you’re the 4th pregnant woman I’ve rescued this year”
She said “I’m not pregnant”
Dave said, “yeah, and you’re not fсuкing rescued yet either”

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Welcome to Inappropriate Club
First, I’d just like to say that Jane’s тiтs look amazing today.

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Sex Jokes Boob Jokes

I had to give my girlfriend CPR in the middle of sеx last night.
It was the easiest way to вlоw her back up.

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Sex Jokes

I haven’t had sеx in so long, the other day I opened up a can of tuna and got a hard on.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

I was invited to a sеx оrgy at the weekend by this girl from work.
“I can’t come” I said
“That’s nothing” she replied “There’s a guy there that has to take viаgrа just to get it up”

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before in which the company played “Who’s Whose” - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the milkman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”
“You should have been,” said the housewife. “Your name came up three times.

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I'll have sеx with Tane if this get 1000 kickass hits

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I'm in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sеx is great. My friends said, 'Whoa, you've had sеx out of wedlock?' I said, 'Oh no, she's married.'

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My wife hates sеx so much her favorite position is back to back.

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The number of a distinct combinations in a 40 move game of chess is far greater than the number of electrons in the observable universe.
Although my wife has more excuses for not having sеx.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

Kids nowadays don’t realise how lucky they are when it comes to роrn.
They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds.
When I was a kid I used to have a wаnк when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

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Kids Jokes Sex Jokes

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally hot mood and took his wife upstairs for some fun.
Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
“What’s wrong, son?” the father asked. “Why are you crying?”
“You’re hurting my mommy,” the little boy replied.
“No, no,” the father reassured. “I’m not hurting her. We are making babies.”
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying.
“What’s the matter NOW?” asked Dad.
“It’s those babies you were making with Mommy yesterday,” the boy answered.
“The mailman is upstairs eating them!”

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

A 14 yr old girl named Jessica was walking out the door and she said "I'm going to work."
Her Mum said "She never told us where she works."
Jessica's little brother, Oscar, said "I know where Jess works, but first Mum you said you were a рrоsтiтuте, What's that?"
The father replies "It's a job where strangers pay to have sеx with your Mom."
"That's funny," the boy said,
"That's what Jessica does."

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

My wife caught me with my соск in the hoover yesterday.
She said, “What the fuск are you doing?”
I said “The bits you always seem to miss.”

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Sex Jokes

A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.
Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

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“Mate, can you come over here and help me do the barbie?”
Said Ken.

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