Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Нiтlеr, Atilla the Нun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

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The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't кill you in your sleep.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Кill BILL 1 and 2.

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Political Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes American Presidents Humor

Chuck Norris is the meaning of life.
Too bad he's also the meaning of death.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.
“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”
She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

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Pet Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven.
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."

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Sherlock Holmes Jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How do you кill an emo?
A: You don't you let depression do the work.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road кill.
The first вuм went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?"
He replied, "No I think I'll wait."
So they continue down the road and the first вuм said, "Look - some more road кill, I'm still hungry. How about you?"
His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait."
The first вuм ate the road кill.
Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street.
Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke.
The first вuм said, "I thought you weren't hungry?"
His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

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Blonde Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris invented the question mark... so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

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Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Jenna, Jessica and Аriana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Ariana goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and Jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

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Religion jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Ugly Jokes

When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't кill his victim, the force of the air did.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.
The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your sтuрid cat!"

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Pet Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath.
"Here's the cutest baby animal ever."
"Now let's watch something eat it."

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Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dead baby jokes

There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

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Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man who wants to мurdеr his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Once a doctor dies. He was a heart specialist.
At the funeral, his family members and friends make a special coffin on which there is a heart.
A man laughs.
Another man asks him why he laughed.
He says, "I am a gyno I wonder what they will do on my funeral."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris never dies.
And of course, he will also never fade away.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes