Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook, you die.

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It’s a fuскing sad day when the lamp post near my house had more cards and flowers than me on Valentines Day.
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Sick and Death Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Fitness jokes

Нiтlеr's orange Jews. 100% concentrated.

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Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I went for a self-defence class last night.
The instructor said, “I want you to take me by surprise and attack me.”
So, when I saw him in Sainsbury’s the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head.
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Facebook Jokes Social Network Jokes Funny Riddles Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

The more self-killers, the fewer self-killers.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice сrавs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five сrавs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're вlооdy beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

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Police Officer Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

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Sick and Death Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Love Jokes

Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition.
The deceased possessed a tremendous sеxuаl оrgаn.
Aaron, you see what I am seeing?
Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine.
That long?
No, that dead.

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Sick and Death Jokes Sex Jokes Jewish Jokes

Getting your аss kicked by Chuck Norris?
The only good news is you know when you will die.

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News and Politics Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Roses are red
tulips are black.
You'd look great
with a knife in your back.

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Sick and Death Jokes Funny Poems Morbid jokes

What do you call a barn full of dead niggеrs?
Out dated farm equipment.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

Chuck Norris did 5 successful suicide bomb missions

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Two old women were talking about their sеx lives.
Ethel was upset because her sеx life had really died, while Mildred said her sеx life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sеx the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-аss student pipes up:
"What about extreme sеxuаl exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Marriage and Family Jokes School Jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 веаvеr, 1 аss, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

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Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead.
The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him.
Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd.
"Let me at him, I can help him," she says.
"What can you do?" ask the rescue people.
"We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late."
"I can," says the woman. "Stand back!"
And she promptly takes off her раnтiеs, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face.
Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up.
"What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed.
The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

1 woman and 9 men shipwreck on a deserted island.
After one week, the woman, disgusted by the things she was doing, kills herself.
After another week, the men, disgusted by the things they were doing, buried her.
After another week, the men, more disgusted by the things they were doing, dug her up.

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris was once part of a knock knock joke.
The Joke ended abruptly when after the first knock the door blew up killing the man behind it.

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Knock-knock jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes