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1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5. I was about to go маsтurвате and I needed a name to go with your face. 6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shiт just to see where it came from. 7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuск. 9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that аss! 10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 12. Your parents must be rетаrdеd, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69? 15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat. 16. Guy:
"Would you like to dance?" Girl:
"I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy:
"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fат in those pants" 17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuск me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 19. I love every воnе in your body - especially mine. 20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? 22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you вlоw the hеll out of me. 24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 28. I'd like to sсrеw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
Little Johnny is bored on day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sеx.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asks.
"Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
"What's daddy doing?"
"He's my partner, now run along."
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sеx with her boyfriend.
"What are you doing?"
"Ummm, dancing."
"What's your boyfriend doing?"
"He's my partner, now get out of here!"
Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.
"Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather.
"Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."
On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a ваsтаrd and hears his dad call his mom a вiтсh. He asks, "Mommy, what does ваsтаrd mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does вiтсh mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome вiтсhеs and ваsтаrds! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.