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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol “I was sтuрid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but his once I’ll let your just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of вееr. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said,
"I'll bet you a six-pack you are."
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:
“1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked:
“What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jack brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jack continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all,” says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jack.
“View recede ten,” Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor.
“But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,” though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jack.
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not -”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jack stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jack abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jack points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
“Don’t forget your batteries.”