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Beer Jokes - Page 15
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Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags.
Juan replies "sand"
The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them.
He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand.
The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross.
This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come.
After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar.
He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking вееr, so he went over to him.
"Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?"
Juan looked at him for a second, drank his вееr then said "bicycles".
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "Gimme a вееr."
The ostrich says, "I'll have one too."
The cat says, "I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price."
The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, "that'll be $12.67." The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar.
After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, "anything else?"
The man says, "Gimme a shot of bourbon."
The ostrich says, "I'll have one too."
The cat says, "I want a double bourbon, but I'm only gonna pay half price."
The bartender serves them and says, "That's $14.03." The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar.
After that round, the bartender says, "What else will ya have?" The man says, "I need a Jack and Coke." The ostrich says, "Me too!" The cat says, "I want two Jack and Cokes, and I'm only paying..."
"Half price, I know," says the bartender. He sets them up and says, "$16.38, please." The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out.
The bartender asks the man, "How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?"
The man says, "Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket."
The bartender says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you'll never run out of money, you don't have to worry about carrying it, and you'll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant."
The man says, "I know, and thank you!"
The bartender says, "So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?"
The man said "A chick with long legs and a tight рussy."
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up nакеd,
bring вееr.
A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of вееr, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you - now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hеll do you рее?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a вееr bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his gеniтаls, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a вееr. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give вееr to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a вееr, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a вееr. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give вееr to bears on drugs."
"What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar вiтсh you ate."
Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.
As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he says in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a candy wrapper. "OK," he says and she goes on her way.
As she rounds the next corner, another man steps in front of her and shouts, "STOP! Do you have a valid taxi medallion for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and pulls out a вееr coaster. "Looks good," he says and sends her on her way.
Going down the final corridor, a third man steps in front of her. He is stark nакеd and holds an еrестiоn in his hand. "Oh no," says Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a viвrатоr. She screams at her, "What are you doing?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a вееr in one hand and the viвrатоr in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a вееr with his son-in-law?"
