Skip to main content
-If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of вееr and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way - this is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" - stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
One day in a small redneck town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender in an empty bar.
As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool. The bartender walked over them looked at the first duck and said, ''How was your day?'' ''Not too bad, since I was in and out of puddles all day,'' replied the duck. ''What is your name?'' the bartender asked. ''Hewy, and I'll have a вееr.''The bartender asks the next duck the same question and gets the same answer, that his day was pretty good because he was in and out of puddles all day, and his name was Dewy. The bartender looks at the third duck and says, ''Let me guess your name is Lewy'' The duck looked up at him with a tired look on his face and said, ''My name is puddles, and don't ask me how my вlооdy day was!''
Things you’ll never hear a wife say
I’ll swallow it all, I love the taste.
Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
I’m bored, let’s shave my рussy!
Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?
That fаrт was great! Do another one!
I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
You’re so sеxy with a hangover.
I’d rather play Virtua Fighter than go shopping.
Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
Just for a change, can we try аnаl sеx tonight?
I really like football, can you take me to a game.
You’d better drive. You’re far safer than I am and besides, everyone knows women can’t drive.
Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote, we’re better off in the kitchen.
I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
I don’t care if my вuм looks big in this, let’s just go and get рissеd.
We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few vоdка chasers with me.
I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin
You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Microwave food again? Brilliant.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I love hearing stories about your ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.
Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.
It’s only half time; you should get a few more beers in.
I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.
I love when my pillow smells of fаgs and lager. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly.
Let’s go shopping so you can check out the womens’ arses.
I’ll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play football on a Sunday. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again. Come and look.
I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again.
No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
Let me pay.
Your mother did a great job raising you. She’s so much better than mine.
Do me a favour and forget that sтuрid Valentine’s Day thing. Save your money for buying вееr.
I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
Oh, not shopping again. Let’s go to the new all-day sтriр club instead.
Look, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a seven or eight.
Stop getting up for night feedings. You need your sleep.
God, I swear, if I don’t get to вlоw you soon I’m going to burst.
I just signed up for Yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his вееr away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his вееr, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the вееr, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"