Blonde Jokes

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November 26, 2014 Old Age At Its Best Contributed by Glen Tilley Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rаре charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York.
When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry.
Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat."
The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat."
The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response.
The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde.
The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move.
He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."
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There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful рrоsтiтuте used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000. Confused to why the fuск the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful рrоsтiтuте went to the ugly one and asked her.
" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".
On this the ugly вiтсh replied.
" Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have inтеrсоursе I put a small firecracker in my рussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my рussy you ваsтаrd, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".
Hearing this, the beautiful blonde рrоsтiтuте went to the shop to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work. While having inтеrсоursе she put the big bomb in her рussy and it went off with a huge ваng. Then the рrоsтiтuте started shouting as planned:
" You blew up my рussy ... You blew up my рussy".
On this the customer replied ,
" You вiтсh, the hеll with your рussy, where the fuск is my DIСК ".
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Why is a blonde like a turtle?A: They both get fuскеd up when they're on their back. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?A: There's white-out on the screen. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!Q: How do you кill a blonde?A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Blonde Jokes
How do you drown a blonde? Put a 'scratch and sniff' sticker at the bottom of the pool. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Why don't blondes like making Raro juice from sachets? Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the packet. Did you bear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre? They went to see 'Closed for Winter'. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? 'Look! They spelled Macy's wrong.' Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor. Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left' so they turned around and went home.
Blonde Jokes
A "blondie" named Nina is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis Philbin...
Regis:
"Nina, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left... Phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Nina:
"Yes."
Regis:
"Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo D.-Thrush."
Nina:
" I think I know who it... But I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my sister, Carol."
Carol (a newly turned blonde) answers the phone:
"Hello..."
Regis:
"Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have your Sister Nina here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Nina's ..."
Nina:
"Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo or D.- Thrush"
Carol:
"Oh geez, Nin. That's simple... It's a Cuckoo."
Nina:
"Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure?"
Carol:
"I'm sure."
Nina:
"HOW sure are you?"
Carol:
"So sure that I am getting ready to pop open a bottle of champagne and reserve the airline ticket that you are going to buy me to come up and celebrate."
Regis:
"Nina, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Nina:
"I want to play! Carol is very dramatic and likes attention, but she HATES to be wrong! I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis:
"Are you confident?"
Nina:
"Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis:
"So C is that your final answer?"
Nina:
"Yes."
Regis:
"You said C-Cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
To celebrate, Nina flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Nina looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol:
"Nina, it was easy.... Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Jokes