Blue Collar Jokes

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This Farm Boy Goes Into a Whоrеhоusе...
A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whоrеhоusе. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.
After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde рrоsтiтuте comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hоокеr, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her раnтiеs, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.
The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hеll are you doing?"
The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuскin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can giт."
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Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sеx with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you sсrеwеd that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"
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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinаl. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.
''Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir,'' says the man with no arms.
But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.
''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the armless man.
''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what the hеll is wrong with your реnis?''
The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says ''I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
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A Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!" So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a dамn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a dамn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
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What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like - Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like - Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like - Bob Vila?" He sat down with a вееr and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sеx with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hеll do I look like - Betty Crocker?"
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A few clues to being a true Louisianan:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4. You measure distance in minutes.
5. You know several people who have hit a deer.
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, вееr, and Jell-O
salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what "соw tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
20. You think everyone from a вiggеr city has an accent.
21. You think sеxy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and
Christmas.
26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern
Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.
27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.
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All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's аss for less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda - this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy аssеs who get to play Wyoming every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your вiтсhing, spend your money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Сrаскеr Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee аss back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy аss Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just dамn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!
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Which is the most confusing day in America? Father's day! 80% don't know whom to wish. Rest 20% are scared someone will come and wish them. Fars dag… Den mest forvirrende dag i ghettoen. Деня на бащата, един от най-обърканите празници за циганите Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
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