Christmas Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.
Pauly’s family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn’t eating much, and she just keeps her head down.
After a few minutes, she says, “I have something to tell you.”
Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
“I am no longer the virgin I used to be.” And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, “It’s your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a тrамр. You think that’s an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it’s just terrible; that’s why problems like this come up!”
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, “And you! Do you think that you’re a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunк into the house - do you think that’s a good example for a little girl 10 years old?”
Then Pauly charges back in, “And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that’s a good example too?”
And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, “Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, “Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year.”
Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?"
"No," said Johnny. "It may роор around the house."
"A fish?"
"No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?"
"Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive."
"Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..."
"Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct  answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the  bank. When  I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any  change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
"Grandma, I went to the bathroom to рее and bb's came out."
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it."
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.
"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"