Christmas Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Boy: I'm sorry, can I take a picture with u? I just want to show santa what I want for christmas.

0 0

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pine-apple.

0 0

Bumper sticker:
"Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"

0 0

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

0 0

My new вlоw up doll I got for christmas has put on weight already after all the christmas festivities.
Maybe I should empty her!

0 0

There once was a Russian guy named Olaf who was mean, rude, and crude. One day his wife and her friend were in the kitchen discussing Christmas. Suddenly Olaf shouted, "It's gonna rain any moment now!"
Next thing you know it starts raining. The wife's friend is shocked. She said,
"How in the world did he know that?"
Without missing a beat the wife said to her, "Rude Olaf the Red knows rain dear."

0 0

How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.

0 0

‘Man dies after slipping on ice while visiting his mother’s grave on Christmas Day’
Yet another instance of the mayhem a woman can cause by being out of the kitchen.

0 0

Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way

0 0

Went shopping earlier today and got my wife something for her vaggina as a Christmas present, it’s called ‘DE-ICER’.

0 0

If u wake up on christmas morning wit a weird taste in ur mouth….. Remember santa only сuмs once a year

0 0

What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

0 0

*to the tune of jingle bells*
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Get the fuск way
We don't want no mily Cyrus jr
Messing up our day
Hay!
Twerky sluт,
Twerky sluт,
Stop I'm gonna be sick
For God's sake your made of plastic
None of yous legit
Hey
Twerky sluт..
Jerk: Hey b*tch ain't got no time for Christmas Carols!

0 0

What’s the difference between a Scouser and The Grinch?
The Grinch only steals things at Christmas.

0 0

If your woman puts on weight over the Christmas period suggest some exercise. Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.
In a week the fат вiтсh should be 42 miles away!

0 0

Woke up early and punched the missus in the face,
This woke the kids up so I gave them a couple of jabs on the stomach,
The dog came running in so I gave him an uppercut.
I fuскing love Boxing Day

0 0

Just bought my wife a desk-lamp for Christmas.
Her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.

0 0

My grandma passed away on Christmas Eve.
In her will, she stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favourite possessions.
Should have seen the cat’s face when they were nailing the coffin lid down.

0 0

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

0 0

I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

0 0