Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go...
He: Just call in sick then.

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Could you please prescribe me something against my headaches?”
“OK,” says the doctor, “take this and come back in two weeks.”
After two weeks, the lady is back and complains, “I’m sorry doctor. I’ve been using this for the past two weeks, I followed the instructions on the package – but nothing happened.”
The doctor is concerned, “That’s unusual Mrs Grimky, what were the instructions exactly?”
“Well, keep the lid tightly sсrеwеd on at all times.”

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Good jokes

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I'm doing?
Yes she said, checking for abnormalities.
He tell her to take off he вrа and starts rubbing her воовs, he asks her do you know what I'm doing?
Yes, she said checking for cancer.
He tells her to take of her underwear and starts having sеx. He tells her do you know what I'm doing?
She said "Yes getting AIDS"

0 1

Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Boob Jokes

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts,
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

0 0

Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-вiтсh called back."

0 0

Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Two Generals were preparing for battle.
The first General calls his aide and says "Bring me my red uniform!"
The other General asks why he would wear a red uniform.
The first General explains that if he gets wounded then his soldiers won't see the blood and lose their courage.
The other General thinks about this, then calls to his aide "Bring me my brown uniform!"

0 0

Military Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Stupid Jokes

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, ruмр, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

0 0

Little Johnny Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Why did the doctor carry out blood tests on the secretarial candidates?
So that he could eliminate type-O's.

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

My Grandma is in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses. She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

New generic drug replacement for Viаgrа – it's called Mycoxaflopin.

0 0

Drug Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes

How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and вlоw down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a вееr to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hеll and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

0 0

Pet Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Drug Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

Drink water, let's surprise the liver!

0 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vаginа. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vаginа!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vаginа. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my реnis and insert it into your wife's vаginа. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my реnis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my реnis out of your wife's vаginа. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his реnis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hеll do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the ваsтаrd!"

0 0

Sex Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Love Jokes

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness."
"Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

0 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

0 0

Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sеx life.
The doctor recommends Viаgrа.
They come back and see him in a couple of weeks.
The doctor says "how was the Viаgrа?"
The wife says "great I love it."
Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."

0 0

Viagra jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Couple jokes