Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body.
Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"

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Q: What is another name for a gynecologist?
A: A private investigator.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gynecology Jokes Military Jokes

In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large вrеаsтs.
Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the вrеаsтs, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him.
Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.

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Judge and Court Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Wine jokes

Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless."
Doc: "How? Give me an example."
Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my diск."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
A: Bronchitis.

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf... I haven’t heard from him since

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have inтеrсоursе?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Bob, do we still have inтеrсоursе?"
And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop...
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times... What we have is... Blue Cross*!"
-------
* The Blue Cross Blue Shield is a federation of 39 United States health insurance companies

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Insurance Comedy

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my воwеls in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said,
"I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

- Doctor, there is a patient on line 1 that say he's invisible.
- Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lеsвiаn and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to кill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dog jokes

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viаgrа. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks, "Why, is your d**k in that much pain?"
"No," says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!"

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my ваlls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his теsтiсlе removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his теsтiсlе removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other теsтiсlе must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being теsтiсlе-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My реnis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his реnis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I рее?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his реnis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hеll is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fат!'
She put me on Prozac. What a вiтсh.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A doctor from the inner city was conversing with an old friend from med school at a cafe when he said, "Man, can I tell you something?"
His friend nods. "Sure."
"Okay, so the other day I had this one really hot, foreign patient, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since..."
He goes on to tell his friend everything about her, from her long blond hair and ability to speak fluent French, to her shimmering blue eyes and soft skin.
His friend seemed more disgusted with each passing moment.
"Dude, that is not cool."
The doctor, indignant, defended himself.
"What's wrong with that? Lots of doctors are attracted to their patients."
His friend simply shook his head and replied, "Maybe, but I guarantee you none of those doctors were pediatricians..."

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