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I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?"
He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink вееr or wine?"
I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy."
He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
I replied, "No, nothing like that."
He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sеx?"
I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc."
He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office complaining about aches and pains in whichever part of her body she happened to touch.
The doctor looked at her completely puzzled, wondering what on earth could be wrong with such a young, vibrant-looking woman. 'Impossible!' he cried. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow, screaming even more. She pushed her knee, screaming yet again, and then she pushed her ankle, doing the same.
Appearing pensive for a few moments, the doctor suddenly had a great idea about what might be causing the problem. He asked, 'You’re not really a redhead, are you?
Seeming surprised at the question, the woman was at a loss as to why the doctor might be asking her this.
'Well no,' she replied, 'I'm actually a blonde. I got this new dye job because I was fed up of everyone thinking I’m some airhead… but what does that have to do with anything?'
'Ah – I thought you might be a blonde,' said the doctor while trying not to laugh.
'You don’t have aches and pains all over your body. The pain you’re feeling is because your finger is broken.'
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city. The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'. The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nаzi. The thought was good. Thanks. Irving Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!!