Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!"
Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"

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Patient: "Doctor, I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "I understand."
Patient: "Understand what?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red H on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue Y on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor. No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

I've been taking Viаgrа for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.

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Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cannibal Jokes

My wife only has sеx with me for a purpose. Last night she used meto time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, andjust as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did yousee the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sеxy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." Iwent over. Nobody was home!
A hоокеr once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sеx life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That'swhen you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comesoff.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sexoffenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped myMother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this-before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, nакеd. I asked"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sеxy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sеx; she called me from Chicago last night.

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dog jokes

Q: Why can't skeletons play music at a church?
A: They have no organs.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Church jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Doctor:
"Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient:
"Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sеx change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another еrестiоn?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sеx.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Knock-knock
Who is there?
A shattered реnis with many diseases.
What kind of illness?
Gall, Aids, Gonorrhea, Syphilis...
Enough, it is the best present for my mother in law.

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Knock-knock jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Vulgar jokes

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was inthe examination room for his annual physical. After awhile, the doctor came out and said:
"Mrs. Garcia, nurse is helping your husband with his clothes and would be out in a minute. Asfar as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am curious about something."
The woman said:
"Yes Doctor, what is it?"
The doctor said:
"During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was pleased that the bathroom lights came on automatically when he went tourinate in the middle of the night. Can you tell me what that's all about?"
The woman took a deep breath and said:
"Oh no! he's peeing into thefridge again!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes

The psychiatrist asks his patient: "Do you really think that you are a horse?"
The patient: "Yes."
The Doctor: "Ok, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The patient: "It's ok, I have enough money."
Doctor: "And how it is possible?"
The patient: "Because I have won three times horse races."

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Animal Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Morbid jokes

A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her callf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. "Thats why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undrеssing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nudе patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean роliо?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the gеniтаls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your реnis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't рiss in your eye."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles." The doctor said,
"Where?" He said,
"Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Insurance Comedy