Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes

I decided to burn a lot of calories today… I set fire to a fат kid that lives on my street!!

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Kid: What a fail!
Me: So was your moms birth control!
Class: Ooo

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Kids Jokes Insult Jokes

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up.
Tyler was exuberant at the prospect.
"Cool!" he said. "I hope I get a German accent."

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Kids Jokes

A young man was paying an over-night visit to an out-of-town boyhood friend and his wife and young son. When it came time to retire, the young man was told he could sleep in the same bed as his son. After putting on his pajamas and entering the young son's room, he noticed the lad was stooped on the side of the bed with his head bowed. The young man proceeded to do the same thing on his side of the bed, thinking the lad was praying.
"What are you doing?” said the lad.
"The same thing you are", answered the young man.
"Oh, boy"! Said the young lad. "Mommy’s going to' be real mad at you, because the роттy is on this side of the bed!"

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Two in one
Kid: what's the wifi password friend: my dick
Kid: the wifi says its to short
Kid:what's life bully: my dick
Class: (starts laughing)
Kid: no wonder life's so short
Class: (silence)

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Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

Comeback Queen #1: Rich or Poor I care no more.
Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me :/
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this сrар on your walls?
Me: a mirror.
Later:
Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah *shows phone*
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
Later:
Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your сrар clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Неll's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was rетаrdеd)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! *gets in car* BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that suскs she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.

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School Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

I saw a blonde girl I knew today and she was pushing a pram with a half-caste baby inside. I said to her, “How’s it going?”
“Yeah I’m okay. Me the kid and my ex-boyfriend are going on the Jeremy Kyle Show next week for DNA tests.”
“Why, doesn’t he believe he’s the Father?” I asked.
“No it’s me,” she said, “I don’t believe I’m the Mother. He looks nothing like me and we’re not even the same colour.”

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Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes

A man and his son were talking about sеx.
The son asked his father, “dad, what does a рussy look like?”
The dad asked him, “before or after sеx?”
“Ummmm, before sеx”, the kid replied.
The dad said, “have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”
“Yeah” said the son.
“Well, what about after sеx?” said the son.
His dad replied, “have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise”!!!

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

(Grand Kids) Hey grandpa, I thought we were going camping! This is a three star hotel!
(Grand Mother responds) Trust me kids, anything under four stars feels like camping.

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Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Hotel Jokes

Doug had just formed his own rock band, and his little brother said one day,
“Doug, I wish you and your band could be on TV!”
“You think we’re good, eh?”
“Then I could turn you off!”

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Kids Jokes

Delivery' is the wrong word to describe the child bearing process. Delivery is, 'Here's your pizza.' It takes 30 minutes or less. 'Exorcism,' I think would be more apt.

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Kids Jokes

We didn't have brakes. If you wanted to slow down, you skated on grass, that's how you slowed down. If you wanted to stop, you'd head toward a tree.

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Kids Jokes

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies,
"We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies,
"God's missing, and they think we did it!"

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Kids Jokes God Jokes

My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited, one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.
"I will," I said. "It'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia."
"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison. One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said,
"I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."
"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "I have a hangnail."

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad.
Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his аss, and says alright go show your mother.
Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
Hey grandma look im white, she beats his аss (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this?
The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dad Jokes

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson today, as a parent.
Pretending that you don’t know your kids in public, is much easier than trying to discipline them.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

“Why does your husband always call you his Fair Lady when you’re a brunet?”
“He is a bus conductor”

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Kids Jokes

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with роliо keep you in a full nelson -- the perfect pressure.

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Kids Jokes

The pediatric nurse entered the room, prepared to do the job of giving a shot to a little girl. Upon entering the examining room, little girl starting screaming, “NO! NO! NO!”
“Jessica,” her mother scolded her, “that is not polite behavior!”
The girl stopped briefly and then continued with her screaming, “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

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Kids Jokes

A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog.
The teacher asked if it was alive or dead.
The little boy said that it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said , "I рissеd in its ear."
The teacher said,
"You what?"
He said,
"You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

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Kids Jokes