Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another вееr?"

89 0

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

Good, Bad and Worse.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several роrn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

88 0

Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Lawyer Jokes

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. He asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Gynecology Jokes Dentist Jokes

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sсrеwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sеx toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sеx doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildоs, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildоs, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo diск,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo diск?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildо.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fuскing deal. It looks like every other dildо in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo diск, the door."
The voodoo diск rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started sсrеwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a сrаск developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo diск, get back in your box!"
The voodoo diск stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildо and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo diск, my рussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably hоrny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo diск. She got it out, and said "Voodoo diск, my рussy!"
The voodoo diск shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three оrgаsмs, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every тhrusт of the dildо.
On the way, another оrgаsм nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo diск was stuck in her рussy, and wouldn't stop sсrеwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo diск, my аss!"

88 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Business jokes

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his sсrотuм was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's sсrотuм, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his sсrотuм should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Sexist Jokes

One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant. When I returned home I saw her father closing the door.
I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant?
For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery."
Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms.
Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fаrт in her arms."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes Fart Jokes

A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted.
Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!"
His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Fart Jokes

A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me. After some moments I dared to ask her:
"Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."
The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."
After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.
Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?
I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

88 0

Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Beauty Jokes Fart Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

88 0

Marriage and Family Jokes School Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question."Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

88 0

Lawyer Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Wife: I'm leaving you.
Me: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I knew it.

88 0

Divorce Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

87 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes Couple jokes

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much.
But he would be 165 years old."

87 1

Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes Grandparent Jokes

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.

87 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

87 0

Christmas Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes Single People Jokes

My late grandfather always told me: "When there is a wind in your belly вlоw it out gently you feel a real comfort then look at the other's faces to see what are their reactions."

87 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes Grandparent Jokes

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine...
I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

87 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Wine jokes Communication Jokes

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’
Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

86 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes