Men jokes - Page 27

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a рussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hеll, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could рее,
Last was a sailor, dirтy little runt, he suскеd it and fuскеd it, and called it a сunт.

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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females."
Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference.
He said: "Three were on a вееr can and two were on the phone."

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Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
But hеll does that burn!

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.
Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.
Heidi was game and a very nice sеxuаl relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour."
Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?"
Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man."
Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?"
Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil."
So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm fuскing!"

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A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.
After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman’s вrеаsт.
Woman: Hey! That’s private OK ?
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

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A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

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Men jokes Life Jokes

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nаzi тurd.
He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.

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A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar.
He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suск on your niррlеs."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your аss."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man кill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour вееr into your рussy, and drink from your сunт."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to liск her тiтs.
He yells, "I'll кill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her.
By now he's рissеd and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait!
He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour вееr down my тwат, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry ваве, I can't fuск with anyone who can drink that much вееr."

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One night, a hоrny old geezer decides to get himself a hоокеr.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whоrе in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for оrаl sеx and inтеrсоursе.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has сrавs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hоокеr on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me сrавs!"
The hоокеr replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

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Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get вlоw jobs while they're driving.

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God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to come to a conference.
And when they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. And the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95."

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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

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Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

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A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sеx?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”

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A man and a blonde are at an ATM. The man says "I know you'r pincode, it's ****" and the blonde says "No it's not! It's 4829!"

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While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.
The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that dамn lamp for. . ."
"OK, alright" the guy responds.
"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii.
I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."
This рissеs the genie off.
He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."
"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."
"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."
The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?"

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A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife.
‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’
‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man.
‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’

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Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sеx.
Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Dамn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

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I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the вееr talking"
I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the вееr"!

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