Men jokes - Page 85

Yo Mama has touched more knobs then the gas man.

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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A роllоск walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
We have some for 75 cents a peace.
The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir."
The роllоск says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."

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Gross Jokes Men jokes

Sатаn appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Sатаn asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.Sатаn asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Men vs Women Jokes Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless раnтiеs and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new раnтiеs. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Неll no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Funeral jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and рооf the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And рооf, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and рооf ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

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Divorce Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention.
It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle?
That's a sтuрid!
Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it.
I've got something else though.
It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude.
You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes

Man:
"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:
"Unfertilized."

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Confucius say, man who fаrт in church sit in own pew.

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Men jokes Fart Jokes

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.
The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said:
"Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said:
"We have here the driver's guide.
I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said:
"First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again.
Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said:
"Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

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Programmer Jokes Men jokes Computer Jokes Boss Jokes

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

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What did the black man do first time when they saw a ship?
They stick they’re head in the water to see if it has wheels!

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick.
A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her.
‘That’s the way to do it,’ he says.
‘Big deal,’ replies the blonde.
‘You’d never have got it unless I’d tired it out first.’

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says,
"I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised тhug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

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Money jokes Men jokes