Money jokes

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FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a diск…
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I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
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OFFICIAL LIST OF РUSSУ TYPES
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1. Expensive Рussy: Most рussy falls into this definition. Expensive рussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the рussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of overlimit charges on your credit cards. Often not worth it.
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2. Cheap Рussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap рussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, Wants constant reassurance, wants loving constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off
.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You’re lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won’t go away, possessive, gets jealous, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding better рussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
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3. Hired Рussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired рussy and Expensive рussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don’t have to stick around, she won’t tell your girlfriend, doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive рussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap рussy in the long run, risk of disease is very high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
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4. Virgin Рussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirтy jokes and роrnо movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin рussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight “fit” if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer “other” services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause “accidents,” can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you’re into that sort of thing.
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5. Nyмрhо рussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your ваlls into bed and go at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nyмрhомаniа.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
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6. Frigid рussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this рussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration)
.
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Innocent Nyмрhо рussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hеll of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Party рussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are really unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will usually not remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Nutsy Рussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to кill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
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Christian Football Definitions:

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.".

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.".
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!".

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
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A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!”
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a dамnеd good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Търговски пътник прави реклама на прахосмукачка: Седи си една жена у дома е на вратата се чука. Пътуващ продавач на прахосмукачки позвънил на вратата на първата къща в новата си територия. Отворила му жена, но преди да успее да каже нещо, той се втурнал вътре и изсипал купчина конска тор на килима. Dolazi prodavač usisavača kod babe na vrata, - "Evo imamo nove...." - "Nemam ja novaca za to sinko!" - "Ma molim Vas samo mala demonstracija." Uđe on i iz vreće istrese hrpu smeća babi na tepih. -... A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. A little old lady answered a knock on the door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman. ‘fuck off im busy she said’ closing the door! ‘wait’ he says holding the door open whilst tipping a bucket... To get a massive and immediate attention from a buyer, the Vacuum Cleaner salesman opens a bag of horse manure and spreads it all over the carpet. Then he says to the possible buyer with... Llaman a la puerta,y abren Vendedor:la apeteria la nueva aspiradora 3000? Dueño de la casa:mmm,no se... Vendedor:intente aspirar esa ****,si no lo consigue me la como Dueño de la casa:pues espero q... Geht ein Staubsaugervertreter auf den Bauernhof. Er schüttet einen Sack Staub aus und sagt: "Alles was mein Staubsauger nicht aufsaugt, esse ich. Daraufhin die Bäuerin: "Ich hole Ihnen einen Löffel, wir haben nämlich gerade keinen Strom." Βιάστηκε... Un promotore di una certa firma va in giro a cercar di vendere il nuovo prodotto... Un aspirapolvere miracoloso. Arriva davanti ad una casa, bussa alla porta e gli apre una vecchietta; il promotore... Uma dona de casa, num vilarejo, ao atender as palmas em sua porta... — Ô de casa, tô entrando! Ela se depara com um homem que vai entrando em sua casa e joga esterco de cavalo em seu tapete da... Do mieszkania Kowalskiej wtargnął akwizytor sprzedający odkurzacze. Rzucił na dywan śmieci, papierki, resztki jedzenia i mówi: - Zjem każdą rzecz, której nie wciągnie ten rewelacyjny odkurzacz. -... En ung dammsugarförsäljare var ute på säljresa i obygden. Han kom fram till ett gammalt torp, knackade på och blev insläppt av en gammal kvinna. Försäljaren hällde ut en påse med damm på golvet och... Er komt een vertegenwoordiger in stofzuigers langs bij een boerderij. Hij belt aan, de boerin doet open. De vertegenwoordiger begint te praten: 'Dag mevrouw, ik ben vertegenwoordiger van hele goede... Egy porszívóügynök betolakodik egy házba, és a háziasszony minden tiltakozása ellenére nagy rakás száraz lócitromot szór a szoba közepére. A nő felháborodik: - Mit képzel? - Asszonyom, ígérem, amit... K Novákům přijde prodavač vysavačů. Na zem vysype spoustu odpadků a říká: „Všechno, co ten vysavač nevysaje, sním.” „Tak to vám přeji dobrou chuť, od včerejška nám nejde proud.”
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