Old People Jokes

A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

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‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.’

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Money jokes Old People Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey.
It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away.
So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit.
It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise.
On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock.
One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!"
The other said,
"Where did you get the gorilla suit?"
The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?"
The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".

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Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

What do you call a redneck virgin?
a 7 year old that can run faster than her brothers

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Gross Jokes Redneck jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Virgin Jokes

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunк sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunк and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed nакеd and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

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Masturbation jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes

The boss snubs his employee because he took a flashlight with him to a date:
"What kind of сrар happens nowadays? When I was in your age, I wasn’t carrying any flashlight with me on a date. I was always meeting my girlfriends in the dark."
"And what did that got you... Take a look at what you’ve married in to!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Dating Jokes Boss Jokes

A woman was standing nакеd, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband:
"I feel awful. I look old, fат, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied:
"Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.

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Fat Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

Leeroy is talking to his parents about his problems:
"Mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls, they always call me a niggеr - why is that?
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
"And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they are nice to the white boys and girls?"
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
Then Leroy grins and says "Well, whenever I'm in the shower with the white boys I notice that my реnis is much вiggеr than their penises."
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are 37."

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Old People Jokes Black People Jokes School Jokes

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark nакеd and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, " That is because you have your тiтs in the soup!"

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Boob Jokes

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful!
I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Old People Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

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Old People Jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Chuck Norris found the fountain of youth, but...he wasn't thirsty.

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Old People Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Games for when we are older:
1) Sag, You're it.
2) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4) Kick the bucket.
5) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6) Doc Doc Goose.
7) Simon says something incoherent.
8) Hide and go рее.
9) Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10) Musical recliners.

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Old People Jokes Nurse jokes

Doctor (to an absent-minded patient):
"What is wrong with you?"
Patient:
"I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine."
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while):
"Here, Take this."
Patient:
"Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes Old People Jokes

Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you!
I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur.
Be careful.’”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

Men are like...... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Food Jokes

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Couple jokes

In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.
However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.

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Fitness jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes