Old People Jokes

Chuck Norris was born Sept. 1 1945.
World War 2 ended Sept. 2 1945.
What a coincidence.

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Chuck Norris is not 70 years old.
At age 60, he began getting younger.
This is why he is actually only 50.

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Old People Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

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Dad Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

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School Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.
4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

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Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Kids Jokes

An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly.
Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said.
"That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.
A motel costs $20.
You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes

A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure!
She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure!
I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Business jokes Beauty Jokes

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age.
How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep.
No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

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Old People Jokes

Yo' Mama is so old, she has sour cream in her воовs.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Old People Jokes Boob Jokes

Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family. The kid replied, "'Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

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Friendship Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

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Old People Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them."
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain."

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Old People Jokes Men jokes Weather jokes

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Good jokes

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''
So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.
The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his реnis.
The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Church jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Math Jokes Fitness jokes

Chuck Norris gets younger by the кill.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

John: How old are you?
Peter: Hmmm.. I'm 7
John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes