Old People Jokes

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening.
One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?'
The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.'
The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?'
The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'.
All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said,
"Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

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What do you give Mikey for his 18th birthday?
A 90 year old woman, because Mikey will eat anything.

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Old People Jokes Birthday Jokes

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Нiтlеr.

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Military Jokes Old People Jokes

Three guys are on a plane one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American, and the Pilot says “There is to much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off.” So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said , “I have plenty of these where I come from,” the the Asian threw out some rice and said “I have plenty of these in my country,” The American threw out a bomb and said, “I have a lot of these in my country.” The plane crashes anyway and the three men start to walk away from the crash, as they were walking the found a boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of Buritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy,” The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of rice fell out of the sky and sherded all my clothes.” The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble, they kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny the boy said, “MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!”

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Food Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Old People Jokes Aviation Jokes Fart Jokes American Jokes Pilot Jokes

What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year?
"Forty-eight years old."

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes

One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

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Old People Jokes

When the grandkids are downstairs playing Fortnite and grandpa is upstairs playing tomb raider

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Old People Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna кill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

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Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Reaching the end of a j ob interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Money jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Old People Jokes

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way the first lady she was obsessed with her looks so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish the next person didn’t know what to wish for so they wish for the same thing the guy in the very back was laughing having a grand old time then god got to the person before the last he aaid the same he wished to be beautiful when God got to the last person he said I want them all to be ugly again.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes God Jokes Old People Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun."
"Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII."
"Hmm… Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie isn’t that your adopted.” Says the dad.

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Food Jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes School Jokes

I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”

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Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Last Word Jokes

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

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Old People Jokes

An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched, and nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sеxy, handsome young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead!

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Old People Jokes

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”

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Money jokes Old People Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Love Jokes

One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says “well can your diск touch your аsshоlе?” To which the boy replied “no”. So the grandpa says “okay.” And leaves it at that and walks off. A few years later the boy asks his grandfather for some money again and his grandfather once again asks “can your diск touch your аsshоlе?” To which the boy proudly says “yes it can.” To which the grandpa says “good, now go fuск yourself.”

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Old People Jokes

“Son, I found a соndом in your room.”
“Gee, thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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Old People Jokes

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

When you get tired of dating girls that can't make a decent chocolate chip cookie

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Old People Jokes