Russia and Russian jokes

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. ….
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. …
…
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-аss. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vоdка. …
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”

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In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually

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USA Jokes Russian Jokes American Jokes

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?
Computin.

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Russian Jokes

Putin is planning to build a Russian base on the moon. Astronauts will move there for good. At a press conference, a reporter asks the astronauts if they really want to spend the rest of their lives in a “cold, lifeless” place. The astronauts respond:
“No, this is why we are moving to the moon”.

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Russian Jokes

Russian doctor:
- Ma’am, due to your declining health, I would advise you to no longer touch anything alcoholic.
Woman:
- I guess I’ll have to get a divorce.

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Russian Jokes

A Russian child found a lost bottle full of vоdка on the playground. He raced it over to the police station and promised the boy they would get to the bottom of it.

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Russian Jokes

This picture is made by a Russian artist. This is a picture of a smiling girl which can be seen only when your eyes are half closed.

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Russian Jokes Physics jokes

English literature: I will die for honor. French literature: I will die for love. American literature: I will die for freedom. Russian literature: I will die

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Russian Jokes American Jokes

United kingdom: Driving on the left side of the road. United States: Driving on the right side of the road. Russia: Driving on any side of the road.

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Russian Jokes USA Jokes British Jokes

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Vampire jokes Russian Jokes

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Russian Jokes

The May 9 parade in Moscow... Netflix version

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Russian Jokes

Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say:
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes News and Politics Jokes Russian Jokes American Jokes American Presidents Humor

What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?
A tourist.

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News and Politics Jokes Insult Jokes Russian Jokes

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.
China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

I should write a роор joke about Russia. It goes like this:
'Hey Bill, why you Russian?' 'Oh, I'm in a hurry because I have a horrible case of the Trotskys.' 'I've got the opposite problem, Bill. I have the Stalins.' 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about ruining your Lenins.'

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

Russia wants to decriminalise domestic abuse.
It’s a real slap in the face to women everywhere.

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Jokes about Women Russian Jokes Sexist Jokes

A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Russian Jokes Atheist Jokes Australia Jokes

I used to be in love with a girl from Moscow. I almost asked her to marry me but I didn’t want to Russia.

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Relationship Jokes Russian Jokes

A French man was on holiday in Russia, during the trip he was at a war center while he was there he asked a Russian man how they won world war 2 when the Nazis were dominating.
The Russian said:
"It's simple, we had the necessary clothes and equipment to get through the winter."
The French man then said:
"Well why did you lose the cold war then?

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Military Jokes Men jokes Russian Jokes